Lose Control (The Jewel Project #5)

27.2|| Final Wishes

Shock was an irrational, unpredictable thing. It was the only way Maxi could explain the numbness and the weariness inside her. She'd heard that when someone dear died, getting lost in funeral preparation helped. She wouldn't know. Sam had taken care of everything. The moment she'd told him what had happened, he'd headed out to get a casket, flowers and whatever else was necessary to put his father to rest.

Her only input was that she wanted a closed casket. She never wanted to see Freider again. She'd much rather remember him alive, not a torn, contorted pile of flesh, stuffed with chemicals until he was unrecognizable. Just the thought of his fall made her want to throw up again.

The memorial service itself, much like everything else since she left Saint Agnes, was a blur. Sam had spoken about his father, but she couldn't take in the words. She'd spent the entire time staring at Freider smiling at everyone from a photo Sam had chosen for the occasion, trying to find the moment when everything had changed, when her life had ended into her marriage and her marriage into death. Her children were nothing but a guilt-filled afterthought.

She was still failing as a mother. Instead of taking care of this, protecting her children from the pain, she was nothing but a zombie. Even Grace had been braver, deciding what to do with her son's body. It was how Maxi ended up with the urn on the mantle. It was hard to compute that was Freider now.

"Huh, interesting. I always thought that would be you."

Maxi jumped and turned around, finally enough removed from her own mind to pay attention properly. Bill stood behind her, together with Ron, both of them wearing dark clothes and looking past her, analyzing the urn. It was obvious that Bill hadn't been talking to her because Ron answered.

"Surprisingly, me too. I thought he'd outlive all of us."

"Me too," Bill agreed. "Weeds tend to do that."

"Hey, the man just died," Maxi said, her voice scratchy from lack of use.

"So she speaks," Bill mumbled.

"We know," Ron said to her, his tone gentle. "We were pretty touched at the funeral. Sam's speech was heart-wrenching. Never knew Freider had that much good in him seeing as none of it was ever directed at me."

"God, Ron, can't you give him a break?" As much as she'd had her own problems with Freider, it felt inhumane for his own brothers to criticize him when he was basically a vase of ashes on a mantle.

"He didn't give me a break at Billy's memorial," Bill muttered.

"To be fair, you started that one," Ron said, reasonably.

"Seriously, he was your brother!"

To their credit, both men sombered and sad eyes turned to the photograph placed next to the urn.

"I just never thought..." Bill sighed. "And not even you, Ron. I thought it would be..."

"Me too," Ron muttered. "I thought Freider would win and I'd spend the rest of my life hating him in peace for it."

Maxi swallowed heavily and turned away, her eyes filled with tears. They had no idea that Freider had won after all. He'd left in style, taking her sanity along with him. Taking Snitch Gravel's drive and his will to live.

She couldn't think about that again, about the lie that weigh over her heart like a rock, smothering her. Could she go on like this? Claim that her husband had died a hero? Ron and Bill seemed to smell the lie, but they knew all the parties involved. They knew that the strongest of the three of them had taken the fall.

They had no respect for her. And they shouldn't.

She moved away from her brothers-in-law and walked further into the living room. Sam had taken care of the guest list, so there weren't many people. Just close friends and family. For once, Max was there with his new wife and baby, another reminder that her family was a joke. She hadn't even known until Kyle told her.