The Missing Piece Of Me

Chapter 40

I'm desperate.
I have spent the long hours on crying.
I'm regretting everything.
I'm regretting everything I did.
I. Want. To. Go. Back.
I want her back.

Michie calling...

Ignored.

I turned my phone to airplane mode.

"That's right, Deanna Wong. Man up! It's not too late"

I jumped out of the bed and fixed myself.

"Apologize"

That sums up what I've been wanting to do for the last couple of minutes.

I took a bath and wore black shorts and white top matched w/ blue sky shoes. I got my  keys and sealed it in my pocket then locked the door of the condo before going out to the parking lot.

I started the engine of my car and went on for a ride. After a long drive, I finally stopped upon reaching my destination: Ponggay Gaston's house.

I pressed the buzzer once, twice and so on until she appeared looking so annoyed with my existence.

"What do u want?", she asked irritated at me while opening the gate.

"I want to apologize", I answered while doing my mannerisms of blinking for countless times when I feel nervous.

She did not utter a word.
She led me to the vacant seat in their garden where we used to talk while sipping coffee.

"Sit down", she ordered and she had her seat too.

"Ponggay, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for hurting you physically and emotionally. I'm sorry kasi naging gago ako for the past few weeks.
I admit I was wrong, Pongs. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry for being a pain in the ass", I tried looking at her eyes to prove that I'm not making scripted moves around here. I want to look sincere.

"Bakit nga?", she asked with no intention to clarify her query.

"I'm unsure. Michelle was a comfy option. She was there for me when I felt lonely, intimately. It's my fault that I was not contented with Jema but believe me, I didn't mean to", my voice is cracking but I'm fighting against my weak side.
I shouldn't cry, I have no rights to cry.

She scratched her head and looked at me from head to toe.

"Why did you have to cheat on Ate Jema, Deans? You promised her. You committed to her. Wala ka pala eh!", pagsermon niya sa akin habang nakapamewang siya.

"When you told me na sabihin sa kaniya that we went to a clubhouse and encountered my ex, sasabihin ko na sana, Pongs. Natakot lang ako. Natakot ako sa magiging reaction niya. Na baka iwan niya ako. Iniwasan ko naman si Mich eh, she just had her ways at hindi ko na nalabanan. I liked her", pagpapaliwanag ko.

"Can you hear yourself? Napakababaw mo! Natakot ka sa reaction niya o baka natakot kang mabuking? Kasi kapag nalaman niya, ibig sabihin pagbabawalan ka niya, hihigpitan ka niya. Maging honest ka nga!", singhal niya sa akin pagkatapos sipain ang mesa.

"I got excited w/ the feeling. Namimiss ko lang si Jema, sobra kaya nangyari yon. I enjoyed Mich's company at maling-mali yon but it felt so right, Pongs. Naging masaya ako. I felt complete", I explained kahit na naguguluhan na rin ako sa sinasabi ko.

"I stopped communicating with Mich just recently bago pa tayo nag-away na dalawa. Kung nagkasama man kami accidental lang lahat. Na-guilty ako, Pongs. Iaadmit ko  na dapat kay Jema lahat lahat para hindi siya magmukhang tanga dahil wala naman siyang kaalam-alam pero gulong-gulo utak ko dahil natalo tayo sa game", I reasoned out para pakalmahin siya.

She smiled bitterly.

I don't know why.

"You're wrong. She knew it. All along", my jaw almost dropped with what I'm hearing.
"When she texted you that night when we went to X&Y alam niyang kasama mo ex mo, alam niya pati ang scene ninyo sa tapat ng dorm. She knew it all along pero she pretended as if she wasn't aware. She was waiting for you, Deans. She was waiting for you to apologize pero duwag ka, nag e-enjoy ka sa iba"

Halos madurog ang mundo ko.

My knee melted.

Akala ko wala siyang alam.

Akala ko yung posts niya months ago was pure overthinking.

She knew pero hindi niya ako sinumbatan.

She waited for me to confess my sin.

All along.

Unti-unting bumagsak ang mga luha ko. Hindi yata sila nauubos. Ibinuhos ko na.

"H-hindi k-ko a-alam", hagulhol ko habang nakayuko na sa mesa.

"What have I done?", sisi ko sa sarili.

I felt someone caress my back.

"You're a month late. Stop all of this. Fix yourself. We're still young, there's still so much we can do", she advised.

"Pero Pongs. Help me. I want her back", sagot ko sa kanya.

"At first, I thought you really wanted her but now? Knock it off, D. Hindi niya deserve lahat ng pananakit mo.
She doesn't deserve you", sagot niya.

Para akong binuhusan ng nagyeyelong tubig.

Realization.

"Paano mo nasasabi yan?", tanong ko na may halong panunumbat.

"I contacted her a month ago, hirap na hirap siya ng dahil sayo. Lagi niyang sinisisi ang sarili niya sa lahat ng panloloko mo. She even questioned her worth and you're telling me you want her back? She's moving on from you. Accept that", she confessed.

"I can't lose her", I exclaimed.

"You already did. A month ago", Ponggay hit me with realization once again.

Matapos kong kumalma, I asked Ponggay once again.

"Do u forgive me? Sa ginawa ko sayo?"

She smiled and pinched my nose.

"Of course I forgive you although I'm not part of your fam pala haha masakit yun ha", biro niya.

"I'm sorry", tanging nasagot ko.

"Enough. There's nothing to sorry's anyway. Basta makikinig ka na sakin"

Tumango naman ako.

This time I think I had the right decision.

"Apologize to her when she gets back. Please lang huwag mo akong ipahiya!", panenermon niya.

"Next month pa naman eh", sagot ko.

"Next week! Tsk", she corrected.

"Next week?!"

Nabigla ako.

Tumango siya.

"I'm scared", tbh

"It's always a now or never, besh"