BTS One Shots(mostly sickfics lol)

Namjoon-relapsing (sf kinda)

TW: Eating disorders

Quick Disclaimer: I do not want to romanticise eating disorders in any way. If you are suffering, please get help, before it's too late. Eating disorders ARE dangerous, so please please please get help if you are suffering from one. 💜💜

You and Namjoon get home after a long day at the studio. There was a lot of boring admin work for the both of you today, so you are both feeling mentally exhausted. Since you can't be bothered to cook, Namjoon makes some ramen for the two of you. He puts it on a plate and slides it over to you from the other side of the table and hands you a pair of chopsticks. You sit down and stare at the steaming ramen on your plate for a while. You feel hungry, yet at the same time, the thought of eating anything made you feel sick. You reluctantly pick up the chopsticks and start poking at the ramen. Wondering whether to eat it, or just say your not hungry and push it aside. Namjoon, being very observant, notices your half-hearted poking and asks you if your ok. It makes you jump, as you were so deep in thought. You stutter and say "Y-yeah, I'm... fine." and start poking at the ramen again, and he responds doubtfully.

"ok...if you say so." He goes back to his ramen, still keeping a close eye on you. You decide you should just eat it, to stop him from getting suspicious, but after a few mouthfuls, you feel full and bloated. Or at least you think you do, you can't really tell anymore. You start thinking that maybe you're mind is just playing tricks on you, and that's when you realise what is actually happening - You're relapsing.

You had suffered from anorexia and bulimia before, but you recovered after seeing a therapist and such. You're reminded of the feeling you used to get back then. When you were so hungry from starving yourself, that it felt like any substance that passed your lips would be immediately rejected. That feeling of being hungry, yet feeling sick, was dreadfully familiar. Suddenly bad memories of bad thoughts came flooding back into your mind, and you felt so overwhelmed by emotion. You struggled to hold back tears as you quickly push the plate aside and dismiss yourself from the table and quickly head to the bathroom.

That horrible twisting feeling in your stomach got worse, and you had a sudden urge to erase anything in your system. But the healthy side of your mind was fighting for control, leaving you to choke through dry heaves, trying to stay as quiet as you can, so Namjoon doesn't hear you struggling and get concerned. You start sobbing silently, as you feel the two sides of your mind fighting with each other. Eventually the feeling becomes overwhelming, and you end up vomiting into the toilet. You fall back, leaning against the wall and clutching your stomach, crying as silently as possible, but it gets too hard, and you break out into loud violent sobs.

Namjoon hears you struggling silently in the bathroom and looks on with concern. Once he hears your loud sobs, he quickly runs over and tries to open the bathroom door, but you forgot that you had locked it. He starts shaking the door, trying to get you to let him in, but you just stare wide-eyed at the handle of the door, terrified by the thoughts in your mind. You want to leave it locked. You want him to leave you alone so you can finish getting everything up. But you want to reach out and unlock the door so he can come in and comfort you and help you. Your mind is in so much conflict, it starts to hurt your head. You start pulling on your hair, and you feeling like you're going crazy. You're so terrified. Your sobs are becoming so rapid and violent, that you feel like you can't breathe. Each breath in is quick and lets out a squeak. You start shaking so much and you just want it to stop.

Namjoon starts to realise what's happening and shouts through the door. "(Y/N), It's ok. Breathe. Relax. That's it. Nice deep breaths for me." You somehow manage to take a full breath in between the quick, tight gasps. You slowly start to calm down, and you try and focus on just your breathing and nothing else, paying no attention to the bad side of your mind.

"That's better. Keep breathing... Can you let me in now?" You stare at the lock for a little while, and start crying, as you reach out and unlock the door. He comes in and kneels down next to you. "Oh my baby, tell me whats wrong." He says, as he reaches out to tuck a strand of your hair behind your ear. You're still shaking, and don't want to talk, so you just shake your head and bury your face in your arms. He scoots himself over to sit perpendicular to you, and rests a hand on your shaking back. He understands that you may need a moment before you are able to talk about it, so he just sits with you, gently whispering words of encouragement and comfort. In the meantime, he is silently wracking his brain for any answers for your strange behaviour.

Eventually your shoulders stop shaking with violent sobs, and you manage to lift your head from your arms. He gently tucks the same stray stand of hair behind your ear, and leans down to look at you. "Are you ready to talk about it yet, baby?" He asks, so quietly and gently, it's almost a whisper. "Can we just get out of here first?" You say, slightly aggressively, your voice shaking. "of course, baby" He says standing up and grabbing your hands to help pull you up. You are suddenly reminded of the tight cramping feeling in your stomach, and so when you stand up you immediately grasp your stomach in pain. Namjoon asks if you're ok, and you just nod it off, but he wraps his arm around your waist and supports you as you stumble to the couch in the living room.

He quickly gets a hot water bottle and heats it up in the microwave, before going over to you and sliding it under your hands, that were desperately clenching at your still cramping stomach. He sits next to you and asks you- "what's wrong? Why were you so upset back then? You seemed to be in a lot of distress... Surely all that isn't because of a stomach ache?" He holds your other hand in his, gently caressing it. You take a deep breath. "I was...scared. My mind....was scaring me." He looks on, confused and worried. "W-why was your mind...scaring you? what were you thinking?" He gets really worries, and starts squeezing your hand. You sigh again, and say"...You know how...I used to have anorexia..." Just from that, he already gets an idea of what was happening. "I was relapsing. My mind was telling me to erase the small portion of food i had just eaten, yet at the same time i knew that it was wrong. The two sides of my mind were battling each other, until i couldn't take it anymore... I hadn't eaten all day because i just didn't have time, but that must have triggered something in my mind, and brought...back old thoughts."

Still gently rubbing your hand, he shuffles closer to you and says "You know I love you no matter what, right? I don't care what you look like. I still love you. I don't like seeing you suffer like this." You see tears in his eyes, so you squeeze his hand and say "joonie... of course I know that. It's not your fault. Like i said, I hadn't eaten all day. I'm pretty sure that's what triggered it. Don't worry, I'm ok now." He looks up at you with a weak smile of relief. "I don't believe that. You should go back to your therapist. Just to be sure." You don't want to, but you nod back to him, just to make him happy. He grabs his phone and calls your therapist, saying that you need an appointment asap, and luckily she has a space free the next morning.

"Do you think you could just eat a little something? For me?" He asks after putting his phone back in his pocket. You're unsure, and you stomach starts to cramp up again at the thought of food. You swallow the nausea down and take a deep breath, before replying-"I'll try" He goes over to the kitchen and just grabs a few crackers from the cupboard. You nibble on one, taking the smallest bites you can. Eventually, you get halfway through the cracker before feeling the anxiety rise again, and the voice in your head is getting louder. "It's ok baby, don't push yourself if you can't." You place the half-eaten cracker on the small table in front of you, and apologise. "no need to apologise. Its not your fault. You can get help tomorrow, ok?" You nod, and sigh. You decide to go to bed now, since you're exhausted from the long day and all the drama. Namjoon comes in and tucks you into bed, before lightly planting a kiss on your head. "rest well baby" And with that, you're fast asleep in seconds.

So this was weirdly easy to write??? I've given up on the whole 'switching roles' thing, cause tbh its hard to come up with good ideas. Again i just want to say that if you think you could be suffering from and eating disorder, please get help before its too late 💜😊

On another note, BTS are coming to london again, but i probably can't go cause i don't have enough money and i don't know if my parents will let me go anyway 😭😭But i don't mind too much, cause a full stadium concert seems like it could be a bit to overwhelming for me tbh. Even the concert at the O2 was a bit overwhelming for me, so and even bigger concert would just get too much for me. Im sure i'll be able to see plenty of videos of it, and i'm pretty sure it'll be mostly the same stuff as the LY tour, just with a few extra songs from their new album, so I won't be missing out on too much I hope. To anybody planning on going, good luck getting tickets!!!

K imma go now c ya later lloll