I thanked Norman and said goodbye to him before rushing to my car. I had no idea what exactly to tell Jeffrey and I had no idea if we'd even get to talk. Think if he was mad at me for not answering his phone calls or reading his texts? What if he didn't want to see me anymore? Though Norman told me that Jeffrey loved me, so I hoped with all I had that it was true.
As soon as I pulled in, my heart started pounding hard against my chest. What was going to happen? I was so scared and nervous it was impossible to describe it. Approaching the front door I was getting out of breath; not because I was tired but because I was too fucking anxious. My hands were shaking and my legs felt like jelly.
I knocked on the door but no one answered. After waiting for one minute, I realized that if he was inside, then the dogs would be inside too. So I went around the house and finally saw him. He was standing, hands in his pockets, earphones in. The dogs were sitting next to him and they all looked out at the grass-covered fields in front of them. I looked at his face and realized that his beard was shorter than in the live video I saw yesterday.
Suddenly I called his name but he didn't seem to hear me; earphones' fault. The dogs heard me though, because they started running towards me the moment I called Jeffrey's name. That caught his attention, so he took off his earphones and turned around towards where the dogs ran to.
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As soon as we locked eyes I started crying. I didn't want to, but I couldn't help it, the tears just kept coming. His face expressed shock, sadness, surprise, relief and more sadness.
''Iris'' he said as he stood in place. Me, on the other hand, I took slow steps towards him until I was in front of him. ''What are you doing here?''.
''I uhm'' I looked down at my feet and then at him again. ''I came to apologize''. My heart was going insane inside my chest, I could hear it in my ears.
''You're sorry for what?'' he looked at me with such sad eyes that I thought I'd break. I thought he knew what I was sorry for. Or did he just want to hear it come from me?
''I'm sorry for not answering your phone calls and for ignoring the explanations you sent me. I was angry and heartbroken and I did what I thought was best. Who wouldn't leave the person who cheated on them?'' he opened his mouth as if he wanted to say something but I interrupted him. ''Yes, I know that you didn't cheat. I have always known that you'd never do that to me, that you're a good man, that you loved me, but the moment I saw her kiss you I thought everything was a lie. It wasn't though''.
I kept rambling on and at this point I hoped that he was still listening to me, that what I said made sense. I needed him to forgive me. ''Can you please say something? Do you understand my actions that night? Do you understand why I left?''. I hated that I was crying because I didn't want him to think I did it for pity. It was simply because I couldn't help it, it was just coming and coming.
He only nodded his head. What was that supposed to mean? That he understood why I did what I did? ''Please say something''.
''I hope you remember that when I misunderstood the whole situation with Andrew last year, you told me to first ask questions before jumping to conclusions'' he placed his hands in his pockets. I just nodded my head. ''So then why did you just leave?''.
''I left because I didn't think there were any questions to ask. I thought that once you see that, there's no explanation''.
''You left without saying any word. You just packed your stuff and left me without a single word'' he sounded like he was choking up. Fuck, he was hurt.
''I know. I'm sorry for doing that. I really hope you understand me though, it broke me to see that girl and you...yeah, you know'' it was so hard for me to even finish the whole sentence because it sounded so strange to me to talk about Jeffrey and someone else kissing.
''I understand. I just wish things were different, I wish you'd taken me aside, slapped me a million times even though it wasn't my fault. And after that, I wish you'd have asked all the questions going through your head. Why, how. I would have said it all for you, explained to you, made you understand that I would never do such a horrible thing to the person I loved the most in the world''. Loved. Why did he say it in the past tense? ''I'm not a cheater and I will never be one''.
Panic. My skin was getting hot, though it wasn't a warm March night. I could feel my forehead get sweaty, my stomach turn small, my heart pumping hard. He didn't love me anymore, did he? He was disappointed, I had hurt him by leaving him without saying anything.
''Loved?'' I whispered, afraid of the answer. I never received one though. He just stood there and looked at me, as if he was empty. Suddenly, I noticed that his eyes went from mine to my left hand. Looking down myself to see what he saw, I realized it in a heartbeat.
''You still have it'' his voice was low, eyebrows furrowed. I did, I still had the engagement ring on my finger. I couldn't get myself to take it off, it meant too much to me.
''Of course I do'' my voice was cracking up, tears threatening to spill once again. Jeffrey brought a hand to his beard and grabbed it between his fingers and his thumb as one does when in desperation. I wanted him to tell me something, anything, but he didn't.
''Hurting you was never my intention'' I spoke as I looked him straight in the eyes. I meant it. ''I just thought that I was the hurt one, I didn't care what it would do to you, because I thought you wouldn't care. That night and what came after I really thought you wouldn't give a shit if I left or not, because you had her. But it wasn't the case. I'm sorry, Jeffrey'' one again I waited for an answer but he just stood there looking at me, hurt in his eyes.
I looked at him and tried to take his face in, to have it imprinted in my brain forever. Although it was a sad and tired face, it was still the most beautiful face I had ever seen in my entire life. It was his, Jeffrey's. The love of my life.
''I'll leave then'' I finally said after receiving no answer at all. I dried the tears on my cheeks, placed my hands in my pockets and turned around to leave.
