The Alpha's Mute [BXB]

05 | chapter five

Niklaus Wade

      September, 27th.

It's my birthday, the day I was brought onto this earth and the only time I was ever happy but obliviously and naively so. My birth was a time when there wasn't any unhappiness, no depression, no self-doubt, none of the emotions that thrive within me now. Of course, that was to be expected when it came to any infant, any child, and even if I didn't recall anything I assume it was the happiest moment in my life because after those few precious moments, the only concrete memories I have had to be repressed.

They weren't pleasant so I had to pretend they didn't exist but they very much did and came to life but only in my dreams; my nightly reminder that my life, my existence is a mess. Was I really even meant to be alive? There were multiple moments when I almost died, not by my own will but by the will of the two people who were supposed to care for me and love me.

I wonder sometimes as I lay awake at night due to my insomnia what would have come if I died during that one time that my—I shake my head. I didn't want to think about that. I couldn't think about that. Such thoughts resurfacing on a day like this was the most morbid, the most depressing thing I could think of at the moment. These were the things Gnashton expected out of me when he asked that question but there was no way I'd ever tell him about things like this. He'd probably laugh in my face, maybe taunt me.

If I told Hazel any of this she'd just look at me with the most sympathetic and pitied filled look. The extent to which she knows about my mute complex and my touch anxiety is that I was born like this. She's studying psychology at the moment and knows I'm pretty much bullshitting her but she doesn't press on it because that's just how she is. She's considerate.

Sometimes I thought about what it'd be like if she was my mate, I even wished at one point that she was my mate but then Hunter came along and my wish wasn't granted. I wasn't upset, I was happy for Hazel because she deserved to be happy and the way Hunter took care of her made me realize it would be best if she wasn't mated to someone like me. I wouldn't be able to love her...I doubt I'd be able to love anyone the way Hazel and Hunter love each other.

I rub my hands down my face aggressively until my face turned red and burned. I need to stop thinking this way but it was so hard but if I kept putting myself down like this my life would continue to spiral down. Positive things, I needed to think of the positive aspects of life. I almost died maybe six times but here I am celebrating my eighteenth birthday or what I deemed as celebrating. But really...did I even want to be alive right now? I groan and fall back against my soft mattress and think, 'there I go again being a depressed adolescent.'

The door of my room creaks open and Elijah's tall frame enters my room, his hand holding my silver doorknob. He's wearing a grey Adidas top with casual blue jeans, his brown eyes soft and comforting with only slight crows feet dancing along with the corners of his eyes. I think he said he was in his thirties but he looked amazing for his age as did Elliot and all the other parents he and Elliot hung around. Then again, werewolves didn't age in the same way humans did.