The Alpha's Mute [BXB]

09 | chapter nine

**TRIGGER WARNING: TRIGGERING GIF AT THE END OF CHAPTER**

Niklaus Wade

        The only person capable of taking my mind off of things is hanging out with Hazel. I mean, I could watch my favorite show and stuff my face with those Moon Pies but I didn't feel like stuffing my face in order to drown my sorrows and my unhappiness. Beside my lack of a mood to do what I enjoy doing, it wasn't enough anymore. I tried doing that yesterday, binge on my show while eating my chocolate snack, but it didn't work anymore. I felt like I was broken.

What used to be my daily habit now still left me in a ball of a whimpering depressed mess. My mind traveled to Gnashton even when I didn't want to, even when I forced myself to stop thinking about him. I hated this. This just became another Hell I had to endure. Nate cried, he was always crying and when he wasn't he was silent but I could feel his sadness that only tripled my own sadness.

There was nothing I could do to uplift myself, no answer to the question of, 'what now?' The simple answer that was impossible for me to obtain is to go to Gnashton but I couldn't. That dream, dreamt days ago, flashed through my mind. I couldn't stop thinking about it, analyzing it and realizing just how right the two people were. I'd never call the two who they actually were within my life because I didn't want to relive and endure a memory that broke me me apart and ripped at my flesh until I was metaphorically bleeding out.

When I used the bathroom, I thought about him. When I walked through the halls of school with the chatter of adolescents coming from all points of the room, I thought about him. When I did my homework, spoke to anyone, cried, I thought of him. It was like my brain wasn't programmed to think about anything else but him and only him.

That's what made ignoring him and distancing myself from him that much more painful. I shouldn't have accepted him that day, I shouldn't have come close to him and made myself vulnerable to him because now I keep remembering that moment we shared together. I constantly think about his touch against my skin and how soft it was. His hands against my cheek was tender, passionate.

Passionate.

Much like the passion displayed as he kissed that girl. It was just a dream and I knew it but when I thought of the passion in his eyes as he touched me for the first time and sent my heart pounding a mile a minute, I think of that scene in my dream and my heart crumbles. My once happy memory became a memory I couldn't bring up without it being paired with that dark dream that made me feel like I was nothing but dirt on the ground that was kicked around, never to be loved.

It hurt me, wounded me even when I saw him sometimes because I'd immediately disappear from his sight before he could realize I was even there. I started wearing perfume given to me by Hunter, it masked my scent or at least added another fragrance that made it hard to decipher that it was me. This helped me in dodging Gnashton but that's all it would help me with.