The Alpha's Mute [BXB]

22 | chapter twenty-two

Niklaus Wade

It's been a while since I've had this crude feeling of general hopelessness. It festered inside me, stirring around just awaiting to be released in a form unknown. There's nothing I can do to help myself, nothing anyone can possibly do to help me in anyway. I'm on my own. Even in a room full of people, I still feel as if I'm alone. Even in a room with chatter and noise, I can only hear the hollow sound of myself crying inside. Even as my heart continues to beat, I feel it stop but I remain alive and that's the part I hate the most.

Being alive when really it'd be better to close your eyes and just have everything fade away. It'd be so much more easier for me, for everyone else. I didn't really serve a purpose in life to begin with. It's not like my life is important, not like I'd truly be missed but when I think about being missed my mind flickers over to thoughts of Nash.

He's made me feel like I mean something to him, he makes me feel like I have purpose in life but at this moment I felt like the sentiments he's provided me with are just soft lulls over the loud beats of my heartache and the pain that's starting to consume me.

I didn't want to shed light on this topic because it cut and pierced through me deeper than anything imaginable. I never labeled the faces of the two figures that haunted my dreams and tear me into pieces because once I label them, once I give them their title I can slowly feel my skin chip away as I shed the facade I've been so desperately trying to uphold.

Maybe if I acted like it didn't matter my problems would disappear because if you ignored your problems they went away...right? Wrong. No matter how much I tried to bury myself with the thoughts that I didn't care about the two figures, my heart and my mind would always tell me the truth. Even when I tried to deface the demons that plagued my memories and haunted my very existence, it resurfaced itself without my permission and tormented me with the truth. The truth that those two figures are in fact my parents.

Those two figures are the two single handed people that were supposed to provide me with love, care and affection. Happy memories, giggles and laughs, playful banter, childhood thrills. Such things I never got to experience. What replaced those things that everyone received from their parents were things only seen in horror movies that made you pity and cry for the main character. Blood shed, violent screaming, blue and purple bruises, despicable and traumatic thrills.

I couldn't even remember the memories of all of that fully because my mind broke the painful memories up into fragments. I was too weak, too incapable of handling the memories that remained located deeply within my mind so I unconsciously broke them up so they were scattered all over the place. The pieces of what I knew still flashed through my mind even when I didn't want them too.