Caught In The Shadow [Jenlisa]

Chapter Twenty-Two -

Lisa

I couldn't sleep. I'd done everything I could think of, I'd taken a hot shower, I'd masturbated, and I'd sat in Jiyong's library and looked through his books. I couldn't read, but some of the books had pictures in them. I'd walked around the house and discovered the snacks in the kitchen. I'd eaten all the gulab jamun and even now, my fingers and the corners of my mouth were sticky. I still couldn't sleep.

Where was Jiyong? My heart began to race at the thought of the older man. What if he didn't come back? What if something had happened to him? My stomach hurt. I'd never been alone before. There was always someone near me, if not the other boys, then Narweh, if not him, then perhaps a patron.

I stood and pushed my pillow and blanket onto the floor, my bed was too soft. I lay down on the thick carpet and swaddled myself in the blanket I'd been provided. Outside, the wind howled. Why would Jiyong leave me alone? I drew my knees up to my chest and rocked. I wished Bambam were with me. Bambam was one of the British boys that often shared my bed. If I had a friend at all, it was probably Bambam.

For the first time in a week I let myself think of someone other than myself. With Narweh dead, what had happened to the others, to Bambam? It was true they often fought and sometimes threw one another into Narweh's angry path, but it didn't mean there was not affection there. Whenever one of them was mistreated by a patron or after a particularly savage beating, they would often comfort each other by applying bandages or offering arms that consoled instead of harmed. I was smaller, younger probably, but I was a fighter where as Bambam was more amenable and easily manipulated.

"Why do you anger him so often, Léili? You know what he will do," he'd often whispered to Léili in the dark and applied ointment to her skin.

"I hate him. I'll let him kill me before I become his little lap dog. A dog I might be, but not his."

"You're not a dog, Léili," Bambam kissed her forehead. "You're a stupid girl."

"And you're a lap dog," Léili countered with a half-hearted laugh.

Bambam laughed too and put the cap on the ointment. He stood quietly and tip-toed toward his own bed on the floor.

"Bambam!" Léili whispered.

"What?"

"I'm going to kill him one day."

After a long pause, "I know. Goodnight stupid girl."

I had done exactly as I promised. I'd killed Narweh in cold, efficient blood. But I hadn't bothered to look for Bambam, nor had I told everyone they were free. I never told them to run. I would like to say it was because the thought had not occurred to me, but that wasn't true. I'd been afraid. I'd been afraid they'd turn on me, because without Narweh, many of them would have to choose between poverty and a new and unknown master, perhaps even the drudgery of bonded slavery. I had also been afraid Jiyong would decide all of it, including me, was too much of a burden and he would have to face the fate of the others. So I'd simply let Jiyong lead me away. I'd let myself be shocked and traumatized over what I'd done. I'd let myself be the victim. I deserved to be abandoned in return.

A noise startled me from my self-deprecating thoughts.

I was stone-like in my stillness, listening for any sounds to indicate whether or not I was alone in the house and furthermore, if a presence equated to danger. I heard the door shut somewhat gently and then heard the familiar shuffling sounds of someone removing their shoes and placing them near the door. Casual noises were a good sign, I supposed, since someone intending harm would likely not care enough to remove their shoes.