Caught In The Shadow [Jenlisa]

Epilogue 5

- w -

Jennie's meeting with Jeon went okay. He wasn't an idiot though, Jennie recounted to me. He wanted to hang around for a few days and make sure Jennie was safe. I didn't like him. I suspected his visit had more to do with uncovering secrets than keeping Jennie safe.

He spoke to Jennie's friends, her co-workers, even the kid at the restaurant Jennie liked to go to. It was a good thing I had paid someone to give my note to the waiter. If he'd given Jeon my description, we would have been pretty screwed. It took a great amount of will power to steer clear of him. I knew there were certain things Jennie would not forgive.

Jennie and I had no contact during Jeon's visit. I discovered more nightmares and a level of boredom I had never experienced before in my life. I was grateful for the internet until I was unable to resist doing a search for "Missing child+Lexis Manoban".

There were a couple of results, but nothing that jumped out at me.

That night I dreamt I was trapped inside a child's body. I was with Narweh again and my strength meant nothing. He laughed at me. I didn't go online for a week.

I never like it when I dream. It's usually about things I'd rather not think about. When I was a young girl, I never dreamed. At least, not that I can recall. There were mornings when I would wake and have new and interesting ways to murder Narweh when the time came—but I never attributed them to my dreams.

The first dreams I can recall began when Jiyong brought me to live with him. The uncertainty of my new fate had the tendency to terrify me. I have never felt comfortable sharing my feelings—especially my doubts, fears, hopes, and desires. They are what make me vulnerable and more than anything, I hate being vulnerable. Once Jiyong had gained my trust, once he had given me a destiny and a purpose, I didn't dream so much.

The dreams resurfaced in the weeks following Jennie's kidnapping. I had dismissed them at the time. I knew I was conflicted over many things: My desire to move on with my life. My confusion over Jiyong's increasing secrecy. The nagging sense of doubt over kidnapping Jennie. The fear I was becoming Narweh. The dreams intensified the more my feelings for Jennie had begun to develop. I denied it then. I see it now.

The nightmares I had after I left Jennie at the U.S.–Mexico border were some of the worst I have ever had. If you know anything about me—and we've well established you do—then you can perhaps imagine the horrors I had to choose from. The truth is, I don't let these things, the horrors of my past, drag me under.

Quite the contrary—for so very long, they fueled me. Considering what I've been through, I often think I'm very well adjusted. I can handle anything the world throws at me, but for someone who tries to plan his moves ahead of time, uncertainty about my future leaves me disturbed as nothing else.

I thought finding Jennie would give me certainty, but I was learning that happiness also presents new ways to suffer. Misery, I understand. Happiness is terrifying.

Also, Jennie's words about "other shit" coming to the fore made sense to me. For the first time in my life I didn't have anything to do. No one had any expectations of me. I had enough money to do anything and go anywhere, but I had no idea what I wanted to do or where I wanted to go. I had idle hands. My mind was the proverbial devil's playground. It seemed as though everything I had kept tucked away in the dark recesses of my mind was escaping into my consciousness.

I breathed a deep sigh of relief when Jeon left Spain and Jennie could finally come back to me. I still had the nightmares, but waking up to her warm body made it easier to come back from the anxiety.

It was October, and the weather was becoming unpredictable. On some nights it was the perfect excuse to spend hours in bed. Jennie and I fucked like rabbits—and a few other animals too.