Insanity (BoyxBoy)

Chapter Twelve

Harry and I decided to grab lunch at the local Mexican food joint off campus. We both ordered tacos and mango smoothies and took a window seat near the back of the nearly empty restaurant.

"So Haz, how've you been?" I asked out of the blue.

"You want the truth or the bullshit sugarcoated version I give to everyone else?" He muttered looking me in the eyes.

Truth? Oh no, what happened. "Tell me the truth." I nervously answered.

"Well, to be honest, after you left it got worse. I was broken, and with my family so far away, and Niall always wrapped up in something else, I snapped. I think it was about a month after you left and I found myself alone in my room with a blade. I just wanted to die. Let's just say I cut too deep that night-" Harry began. I felt them coming, the tears, and I couldn't hold them back anymore. I let them fall down my cheeks as Harry continued.

"Niall found me. I really wish it had been someone else; he can't even talk about it to this day. The ambulance got there just in time. They said if someone had found me even a minute later I would've bled out. It-I was a mess Lou. I was ruled clinically depressed, and put on suicide watch. Mum and Robin decided it would be best for me to get help, so that's what happened. I spent my last years of high school surrounded by white." Harry finished. At this point I was the mess. I sobbed into my arms hating every ounce of my existence.

"Lou, don't. Please." Harry touched my arm compassionately. "Don't?! Harry I fucking hate myself right now!" I yelled through chocked sobs. "It's not your fault Louis, I did it to myself, I wanted it." Harry whispered. "Not my fault? Harry you tried killing yourself because I left! It's all my fault. It should've been me, I should've been the one dying, I should've-" Harry cut me off and kneeled next to me rubbing his hand up and down my back. "NO! Louis Tomlinson don't you ever, and I mean ever think that way again. Do you know what that would do to me if you hurt yourself?" Harry muttered.

"Do you know what that did to me all those years Haz? To see you like that? I love-loved you and I just hoped and prayed every night when I fell asleep that I would wake up the next morning and see your beautiful face alive and breathing." I cried. I looked into Harry's eyes to see he was trying to hold back. He wouldn't let his tears fall. He was strong. So much stronger than I'll ever be.

Harry hugged me tightly and we just stayed like that for a few minutes.

"It seems like one of us always ends up crying when we're alone." Harry chucked trying to lighten the mood as we pulled apart. "Yeah well, we've both been through a lot." I sniffled wiping my tears on my shirtsleeves. "What about you? How've you been?" Harry questioned now back in his seat.

"Do you want the truth or the bullshit sugarcoated version?" I mocked him as he laughed and rolled his eyes. "Well after I left, I finished out my studies back in Doncaster, then enrolled here the next fall. It wasn't easy if that's what you think. I hurt every single day. It was bad Haz. I was in so much pain that I took it out on everyone else around me. I was a bully, and as much as I'm ashamed to say it, a slut. I slept with every girl I had the chance to, trying to I don't know, erase the gay? Erase my memory of you? I was terrible." I said ashamed. Harry sighed before asking "What happened with Liam?" No.

"Harry, no. I can't." I whispered. "Louis, he's my boyfriend, and you were my best friend, if he did something I need to know. Please?" Harry pleaded. "I can't. Please. Just-I can't. I told you to stay away from him dammit!" I raised my voice. "Louis, I like him. He's good to me, yeah he's a little over protective, but I kind of like that you know? I like feeling safe." Harry admitted. Motherfucker I hate Liam. I hated that I counldn't tell Harry. I hated that he was dating Liam. I hated that no matter what, I would never be able to protect Harry in that way. I was too weak, too small, too fragile. I needed the saving.

"Listen Lou, I've got to get going. I'm glad we did this though. I really missed this. I missed you." Harry said confidently and honestly. "Yeah, me too." I answered with a fake grin. "Do you want to get started on the Statistics project tomorrow? I know it's the weekend and you probably have plans with Eleanor or something, I don't know, I just thought maybe-" Harry began mumbling. It's good to have my old Hazza back. "Sounds great." I cut him off trying not to laugh at his awkwardness. Then he left.

I stared out the window now with a genuine smile plastered across my face. No matter what, I had him back. I had my Hazza back.