Ethereal (COMPLETED)

19: Caffeine

"Hyung... this song is so deep, especially the lyrics." Namjoon told me after hearing my new song.

I went to his studio to ask him his thoughts about my new song, or if he have any suggestions.

We've been awkward ever since the fight in the hospital, ever since his confession.

That awkward silence filled the air, and he noticed that. "Hyung I'm sorry. You know I did that for us."

Yes. Everything is for us.

For Bangtan.

"I understand," I simply muttered.

"And I'm sorry, for liking her. You know it's not easy-"

I waved my hand to stop him, "That's fine."

I don't want to hear anything about her.

I can't even say her name, it was like a poison. It will bring all the memories back until I die of sadness.

I changed the topic, "So? What do you think about the song?"

"It's amazing hyung, as always. This song will top on charts, even Billboards." He said, emphasizing Billboards with his hands and eyes.

I chuckled at him, "Aish stop saying nonsense!"

-

Months passed by without her and just like a song said,

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing.

Concerts, fan meetings, I always see her in the crowd.

But she disappears every time I blink.

I can go to her house, I can go to her school, I can go to the library...but I'm restraining myself.

It's hard knowing there's a way but I'm stopping myself for everyone's sake.

Especially for Bangtan.

"Jimin! I'll tell you something," I overheard Taehyung as he jumped on the couch and whispered something to Jimin.

I'm resting my head at the table behind them trying to rest my eyes for using the iPad for too long.

And I can't help not to furrow my eyebrows at Taehyung whispering so loud I can hear him even I'm inches away.

"If it's nonsense I'll kill you," Jimin didn't even bother too look up from his phone.

"I saw Sophie at a coffee shop earlier... he's with some guy."

My whole body froze.

Jimin's eye widened, "Maybe it's her brother? Or a friend?"

"No! They're drinking together...like a couple," Taehyung re-enacted the scene holding an invisible cup of coffee while pretending to drink.

"Are you for Real?" Jimin leaned closer to Taehyung, his mouth wide opened.

Taehyung nodded, "Yes. I hope Yoongi hyung will find someone new too, so he'll be happy again like her."

Jimin insantly covered Taehyung's mouth, "Shut up! Yoongi hyung might hear you!"

They both turned to look at me.

And they're surprised I'm already listening.

All of us looking directly at each other, frozen, and shocked.

I don't know what should I feel.

Should I be mad because she's with someone else now and she already forgot me?

Or should I be happy for her because she's happy now?

But she said she's the happiest when she's with me.

My hand formed into a fist as I ran to our room.

-

I punched the wall.

Why? Why Sophie?

Have you found someone better? Better than me?

Of course, I'm nothing right? I can't even fight for you.

I throw the books and papers on my desk so I can lean my head on the desk.

My heart crumbled in pieces as I imagine Sophie with someone else.

Only me should see how breathtaking you are.

Only me should notice that you love wearing white because it's your favorite color.

I hammered on the desk so hard until my fist burned.

Only me should see that yellows lights radiating from you when you're happy.

Only me should catch that purple hint in your eyes every time a light reflects on it.

Tears coming down from my eyes like a stream that would never stop.

Only me should hear your magical laugh,

and your words that can leave anyone speechless.

Only me should know that you love sunsets,

and gets sad when it rains.

I want to hurt myself. Because I cannot do anything! I'm powerless over my own self. This body is worthless.

You said you can't drink caffeine, but you're drinking with someone else now.

I want to end this. To end all my pain.

I cut myself.

Trying to lessen the pain, but it's still there.

I cut again, hoping all my thoughts will be gone and they'll leave me alone.

I can see blood leaving my wrists, but they didn't bring my sadness with them.

"Yoongi! What are you doing!?" Jin hyung entered our room and sprinted his way to me.

"Are you crazy! Stop this bullshit!" He snatched the cutter out of my hands. It's my first time hearing him curse.

"I don't want to be a burden to you," I muttered.

"You're never a burden to us. We're trying to reach you but you're the one who's staying away."

They're trying to reach me all this time.

But I never knew because I'm just focused on myself.

"What's happening? I heard... oh my gosh." Namjoon jolted from outside. His hand covering his mouth as soon as he saw the blood on the floor.

I felt dizziness and numbness all over my body.

Then everything went black.