Artificial Love || Minho

30 || Memories, Pt. 2

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From then on, I felt as if my existence had no point.

I was assigned a mission, and after completion I was taken to be caged in darkness once more. They'll bind me in a chamber, as then I was frozen and shut down until the next victim has arisen.

And that was all what my memory contained

The screams, the death, the crimson blood that stained my presence.

It wasn't what I wanted.

But yet I had no choice.

Everything became all too agonising, the days that would pass by with no meaning; and to be reminded everyday that I was a monster.

I had no love, no emotion, those things were an unattainable joke.

But I couldn't even be gone, as they still needed me, in the sickest, most twisted way possible.

A tortuous cycle, that ate away at me and sieved out my will of living.

So slowly, I let myself grow cold, emptiness consuming me whole until there was nothing left.

It was ironic, I know.

The feeling of losing myself, when at the same time, I've already felt like nothing.

I was nothing.

I felt like nothing but a pile of useless parts, programmed to do whatever against my own will.

And I'll never be anything more than that, will I?

...

Or that's what I thought.

I remember opening my eyes on that day, my gaze meeting with yours.

At first I didn't think you were anything, just another human coming by to stare at me for a few moments before moving along.

I was honestly desensitize by that point, the stares, the judgments, the pity. It never went farther than that though, because truthfully, who would even want to get close to a murderer?

Except you weren't like that at all.

The moment we made eye contact, you wanted to learn more about me.

For the first time, I felt sincerity.

I was able to find comfort from you, surrounded by the serenity that was your words. Every time you talked to me, or I talked to you, I was never able to seek out an underlying motive, unlike the rest.

But I felt conflicted at times, confused too.

Why?

Why were you like this?

If you were to use me, you would have had probably tens, maybe hundreds of benefits to gain from, to reap out.

And you looked past all of them.

I couldn't believe your kind hearted nature, the way you give everyone what they need, forgetting to give anything or keep much for yourself.

And you were always there, at my lowest times, when I most needed you.

But now, looking back, I understand.

I was jealous. It put a mask over my eyes, blinding out what I really should have seen from the beginning.

You were breaking on the inside.

Just like me.

During the burning rage of my toxic loath of humans, there was another emotion also Inside me.

And it was jealousy.

I was jealous that they could feel, I was jealous that they had families, people who genuinely cared for them.

I was jealous... That they had what people called love.

And,

you saw that, didn't you?

You wanted to connect with me more than anyone did. Because you understood the feeling of growing up with the lack of warmth.

That's why you care so much, and why you and Jisung are closer than ever. You know how to cherish people, to never take things for granted.

I still don't know everything about your past.

But I feel like, I'm just a tiny bit closer to understanding.

On the outside, you have may have seemed almost too perfect, too positive, almost dense, even.

But I remember that day together in the office, right after your outburst with your "dad".

Life beat you down, but you continued to stay cheerful, care deeply about other people, and looked for a reason to live every single day-

-because you WERE on the edge of shattering.

But the difference between me an you, is that, you've internalized your pain. You've never asked for help so you were never a bother to your friends, you've hidden your feelings so no one could worry about you.

The smile on your face... It was like a defense mechanism.

And even if it was a wrenched way of coping, I admired it.

It's what made me fall for you.

I thought at first that my emptiness was permanent, a never ending spiral of the pain of wrenched existence.

So...

It might be time for you to know my real name.

It was a name that my terrorist group gave me, but somehow I could have never seemed to let it go.

I've always wondered why, to keep something from a place of which that caused me so much despair.

But maybe,

Just maybe,

one day,

I want you to refer me as Minho.

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(￣(ㅈ)￣)

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My mom just told me she's taking me out for the whole day tomorrow soooo

I'm updating as much as I can today :,]

300 votes aksksmsjsxmskxms I'm gonna go cry now