I Just Wanted To Feel Something [brittana]

[20]

Santana's point of view:
I woke up in a cold sweat, probably the worst way to wake up yet the way I wake most mornings.
"Morning" Brittany said from the doorway, she was standing there drying her hair with a towel, must've woken up early.
"Feeling any better?" She asked walking over to me "I feel fine, why wouldn't I be fine?" I sat up and crossed my legs.

"When did I go to bed anyway? Or get changed I don't really remember much of last night, I sleep really deeply after crying and now I have a headache" crying then Brittany's hug that's all I remember after running out of dinner.

"You cried for a bit and when you calmed down you just stayed in my arms for awhile until I felt you go a little limper and heard your breathing evening out. You fell asleep in my arms so I just lifted you into bed and put your pyjamas on you thats all that happened. Nothing special" Brittany shrugged and grabbed a water bottle from the bookcase, the one that currently shelves at least twenty empty ones of Brittany's and handed it to me.

"Wow you undressed me, totally creepy. I don't think I can room with you anymore knowing that you did that" the sarcasm in my voice was evident.
I took a sip of the water then put the cap back on it, Brittany laughed and shook her head "oh no I saw you without a shirt, as if I myself am not a girl and don't know what the female anatomy looks like" "that is correct, you had no idea until now and I, well I cannot live knowing that I am the reason you now know."

"then perish"  britt said as she flopped down onto the bed and rested her head in my lap
"Morning ladies, breakfast is ready" Veronica said poking her head in the door, the smile on my face immediately turned into a scowl "why the long face?" She asked me, her cheery voice was enough to make me vomit and that smile if she could just stop smiling for thirty seconds I might be able refrained from punching her but as of now, not so much.

"Santana!" I felt Brittany grab my wrist before I heard her call out "Veronica go, Ill deal with this" I've never heard/ seen this side of Brittany and honestly it was a little scary, I didn't think she had it in her to take charge like that, her voice softened with Veronica but none the less was still intimidating, Veronica nodded and left closing the door behind her which left us alone again.

"What the heck San? She was just trying to be nice. I get that you hate her but you need to stop trying to hit her all the time." "But she-" Brittany didn't give me a chance to argue back she just frowned at me and I nodded. I couldn't say no to her when she pouted like that.

I have no idea how she can just change her emotions like that, one moment angry and in total control then the next sweet and pleading but both tones and facial expressions had the same affect on the situation it was weird.

"Look it's two of the seven dwarfs, grumpy and sleepy" Tina said as we walked over, glancing over at Brittany who was mid yawn it wasn't hard to guess who was who.

"look I found two more happy" I started then Kurt sneezed which helped the joke along better "and sneezy" I finished with a smile "three more and we've got the whole set" Kurt said as he grabbed a hash brown from the plate in the middle

"Oh my goodness grumpy is smiling, is the world ending!?" Britt asked as she wrapped her arms around me from behind because I was walking a bit faster then her, the touch of her hands sent a shiver down my spine. I couldn't tell if it was because they were cold or just because they belonged to Brittany.

I rolled my eyes and let the smile fall from my lips and the scowl return, it's not that I wanted to be angry and hate everyone all the time. It's just it's what I'm used to that trusting people or being happy feels fake. Like it's some sort of joke being played on me and that it would be taken away if I so much as blinked in the wrong direction or if I breathed a little too quickly. It was a heavy feeling that never left, a feeling of not deserving something as basic as to have friends.

I tried to push the thoughts away, a thing I did way to often. Honestly that's probably why I'm even in here, ignoring my feelings and pushing thoughts away leading me to have unhealthy coping mechanisms.

Part of me knew, knew exactly what I wish I could do to Brittany.. to do with Brittany.
But a bigger part of me told me that I couldn't because it was wrong, but an even bigger part told me I didn't deserve to feel as happy as I know Brittany could make me. As safe as I felt in her hugs at night, as useful as her cold hands made me feel because my skin was able to warm them up. She made me feel emotions I don't even think there are names for, in English at least there's got to be a German word for it there's a German word for everything.

The bruise on her neck was healing thank god, or Buddha or allah or Satan. Thank whoever the fuck You believe in if anyone, if you're an atheist then thank a potato but the bruise is fading which is making me feel less guilty.

Part of the reason I did it was because Brittany asked me too but I know she was kidding, or didn't mean it in the way that she would actually get hurt. But the real reason, or reasons is because I felt that if I hurt her she would leave me and because everyone leaves me anyway it would just make it a little less painful, and the other reason was to let out some of the anger I had been holding in.

"Hello, earth to Santana" I heard, blinking a few times I noticed everyone staring at me.
Kurt's lips were moving but I couldn't quite hear what he was saying, was I that deep in thought? "What was that Kurt? I was distracted"

"I'm sorry did you just call me Kurt?" He asked, I nodded my head and took a bite of toast I had been buttering "Yes well I suppose I did, now what were you saying?"
"You lot can hear this too right? And saw the smile?" Tina and Brittany nodded
"Well since you're not telling me what you said I'll be going now, good chat though"

I stood up and started walking back to my room, crying and I don't mix well it's got day long after effects and frankly I just dont have the energy to deal with the headache and the slightly swollen eyes. At the moment I wanted to sleep which seems to be all I do since I got here.