I Just Wanted To Feel Something [brittana]

[29]

Brittany and Santana have spent the past few days getting comfortable with each other again, they didn't realize how much of a toll their little break had taken on them as (slightly more than) friends.

It was awkward and messy, Santana was scared to try to hard with Brittany because of her rant that seemed to be on a constant loop in Santana's mind 'I'm done looking for what's not there' was the line that always got to her the most, Brittany was waiting, letting Santana take control of what happened because she felt like it was what Santana deserved.

Santana was also cautious because whilst they were fighting she got some news, news she was still trying to process herself. The thought of telling Britt made Santana feel physically sick but she had to do it sooner or later, and the deadline was soon approaching.

"Would you two stop being so weird? You're Brittany and Santana you aren't meant to be so weird with each other"

"I agree with Kurt, you've been weird ever since you started talking again"

The four of them were in the girls room, Brittany's nose was in her book but she was still adding to the conversation here and there, Kurt was standing looking through the girls wardrobe, this being the first time they had allowed him in there. Santana and Tina day on the bed unoccupied by Brittany.

"I mean we didn't talk for what felt like ages, I think it just needs time" Brittany said not looking up "time we don't have" Santana muttered

"What's that mean?" Brittany questioned "nothing" Santana replied

"Right well I think that's our cue, don't get into a fight, calmly talk it out and we'll be down the hall" Tina said getting up and grabbing Kurt's hand dragging him out the room

"Okay Santana what was that all about?"
"Just that the time you feel we need we dont have"
"Of course we do, we just need to take things slow-"

"Brittany, whilst we weren't talking I had another meeting with Luke, Jenna and my parents" "no san no" Brittany's eyes stung

"Please no" she cried running over to the other bed and hugging Santana
"It's not my choice, I'm sorry"
"Santana please I can't lose another person I'll break,"
"Hey, hey" Santana said pulling away from the hug, she brushed Brittany's hair from her cheek and looked at her "you're not going to lose me, and we have two days, tomorrow and the day after"

"I don't want to move then, I want to stay like this. They'll have to pry you from my grip" Brittany cried into Santana's shoulder again
"c'mon hon, you knew this would happen at some point, one of us-"

"Don't say it"

Santana leaned back so she way lying down, Brittany's torso on top of her, her face buried in Santana's neck.
"I'm not wasting those two days, I want to learn absolutely everything about you. Which means you need to stop crying so we can talk."

"Girls the door" Amelia said opening the closed door
"I hate how I need to keep reminding you guys, also dinner is soon and circle right after"
"we never go to circle" Brittany replied sitting up to face Amelia
"and you don't go to lessons I have no idea how you get away with it."
"I'm a lost cause that's why"
"Brittany don't say that, you're not. You've actually improved quite a lot recently"

After dinner Santana and Brittany were in the living room which was usually empty, they were lying on the couch.
Santana between Britts legs resting the back of her head on Britts chest. "Okay so tell me everything about you"
"You first Lopez"

"Well, I'm an only child. I have anger issues, i prefer cats to dogs"
"that's just common knowledge tell me a secret" Brittany cut her off.
"Ask me a question and ill answer it, I don't have nay secrets that i can just 'fess up to"
"Okay why do you fight people?"

"Well I guess its a dominance thing, I grew up in a rougher part of town and being a small female i needed to stand my ground. As i got older it seemed the only way to show I wasn't a coward, also its a great stress reliever"
"But you don't do it that much anymore"
"Not as angry or stressed as before"
"But why were you angry"

They were talking quietly even through the room was empty apart from them, both of them felt the seriousness and personal-ness of the conversation required quiet voices.
Santana paused for a moment trying to think of the best words to describe it, the best words to express something she's never said out loud, something she had barely admitted to herself.

"I was angry because i had all theses feelings, feelings i was taught were wrong and bad. Pushing them down and ignoring them made me angry, angry at myself for feeling that way and anagram at the world for telling me it was wrong. Stressed that someone would find out."
"But now?" Brittany asked
"Now I don't care because i have you even if we're only friends at the moment, i have you in my life and that's enough to calm me down."
"Okay, your turn ask me a question"

Brittany had her arms resting on Santana's torso, palms facing up and Santana was holding her hands. This position and lack of sleeves on Brittany's arms gave her a good view of her usually covered scars, this prompted Santana's question.

"Why did you cut?" She basically whispered it, scared of the reaction she would get. Never before mentioned them or brought them up she felt she was being to blunt, being insensitive.

Brittany moved one of her hands from holding Santana's, she ran her thumb over the scars on her arm and just looked at them for a while. "Britt?"

"Well the first time it was because I just felt really, really empty. I felt like a shell of a person you know? I sort of just needed to remind myself that i was alive, that there was still blood in my veins"
"And the other times?"

"I don't know I guess, well Ive just felt so numb that doing it made me feel the pain, it made me feel again.
I didn't care that it hurt, I just..... I just wanted to feel something"

And with that, I end this story.
I'd like to thank you all for reading this and making it all the way to the end.
I know it seems sort of abrupt but i felt like it was time to end it.
I hope y'all enjoyed the story and liked the ending.
If you'd like me to continue this story and want a sequel let me know in the comments.
-Rose