I Just Wanted To Feel Something [brittana]

[24] Visit pt.1

Brittany's point of view:

"Britt, you need to find some good in this. There's always good to find"

"Find the good in failing all your classes because you have no motivation due to the pressure you put on yourself, toss in expectations from everyone else. Having everyone tell you to 'just do it, it's not hard' and never take the time to try and understand why you might be having difficultly with it. Toss is people constantly asking stuff from you but you don't want to upset them so you say yes and put yourself in uncomfortable situations. Find the good in always needing to be the kind one, the mediator, the funny one, the one whose always okay. Find the good in not feeling like trying because it's already expected of you to do poorly. Find the good in hating basically everything about the way you look and not being able to change it. Find the good in being there for everyone no matter what but not being able to have someone there for you. Please find the good in constantly blaming yourself for something you're being told isn't your fault but you know that it is but you can't tell a suicidal person that everything went to shit because of them. Find the good in not wanting to get out of bed in the morning because you know you need to be someone for everyone else. Find the good in loosing passion for everything you once loved.

Please, help me find some good because I'm done trying to find what isn't there."

"Britt..."

"Santana, dont."

Twelve hours ago

"You're on my hair" I whined as Santana rolled over, she was asleep still so I carefully lifted her head and pulled my hair out from under it. I got out of bed and headed over to the wardrobe, I picked out a pair of ripped black jeans, a plain white t shirt and a red and black flannel. The outfit I arrived in, I put them onto the extra bed and went back over to Santana, kissing her quickly before grabbing the clothes and leaving the room.

I walked down the corridor leading to the other half of the building, the half that had the bathrooms and showers.
"Good morning Brittany, ready for today?" Suzana asked. She was way too cheery this early in the morning "I'd be better prepared of someone let me take a hot shower, one that lasted twenty minutes" I batted my eye lids hopeful that she'd let it slide. "Brittany you know I cant do that" she said looking down the corridor to make sure no one else was awake.
At this time in the morning it was usually just us two anyway, and Jane but janes down the hall, way out of ear shot.

Suzana lead me down the rest of the hallway to the showers and turned on the water, she then went to the control pad which has water temperature set to cold and Luke warm, water time set for ten minutes. She unlocked the cover that kept it from being tampered with and changed it so I could have a hot shower and for a longer time.
"Only for you, and don't go telling people. We'll both get in trouble, and I'm not making a habit out of this just for today"

I nodded and thanked her I put my clothes on one of the benches in the change room, and grabbed two towels from the rack, I took off my pyjama and placed them next to my other clothes before heading back to the shower.
Stepping into the stall the hot water felt amazing, but the reason Suzana allowed this wasn't so amazing.

My parents were coming to visit today, to 'check in on my progress' and usually to remind me how much they hate me, well maybe not me, but what I've become. They don't say those words exactly but I can read between the lines, even though they think I can't.

Santana's point of view:
When I woke up the bed was empty, I sat up and looked around the room but no Brittany. I looked at the clock and saw that it was only eight, Britt usually wakes me up at seven. I got out of bed and went down to the dining hall, I saw Tina and Kurt but no Brittany, I went and sat down "you guys know where Brittany is?"

They looked at each other then both shook their heads, "do you have any idea where she is?" "No, she's usually in the rec room early, like when I am but I haven't seen her" Kurt said as he poured some cereal in his bowl "what do you mean? What time? She's always in bed with me in the morning" "you guys share a bed? That's so cute. How are you guys anyway?" Tina asked but I still needed to know the answer. Why was Brittany hiding things from me? Wha5 else was she hiding?

"Around five thirty, six on some days. She's usually writing in her journal book thingie, but some times she's dancing"
"She dances?" Why had Brittany never told me that? and what journal, I've never seen her with a book that wasn't already written. "Yeah you didn't know? She was a 2015 regional champion" "there seems to be a lot she isn't telling me"

"Well she's a very private person Santana, I'm sure she will tell you herself in time. But back to what I was saying you guys share a bed? How did that start?" "Yes Tina we share a bed, it started during my first week because she was upset by the thunder so I got in her bed and hugged her till she calmed down. Since then it's sorta been a habit"

"You're so adorable" I nearly punched her when she said that but I felt two arms wrap around me instead "no way, you are not getting into another fight" Veronica said as she pulled me away from the table.
I was escorted out of the dinning hall and into the art room "what the hell!?" I yelled when she closed the door

"You've gotta stop fighting people" I nearly laughed when she said that "I have been"
"Yes because of Brittany, she's gone for one day and you're already swinging. Look I know what it's like for her to be your rock. But I also know how she gets, I know a heck of a lot more about her than you do so you're going to sit the fuck down and listen to me" she said as she pulled out a chair from the table

I rolled my eyes but sat down, wanting to hear what she was going to say, not that I'd ever admit it. "Brittany used to not talk you know that?" She asked taking a seat next to me, we didn't face each other and didn't make an effort to either. "When I got here she never left her room, she never spoke, and she never put that fucking book down"
It was more Veronica speaking out loud than us having a conversation.

"I wouldn't eat until she did, I wouldn't sleep until she said goodnight, hell I barely breathed unless I heard her breathe. Seeing Brittany with you, that is who Brittany is meant to be. The one who still dances, the one who braids hair and goes to lessons.
When she's with you she laughing and smiling so much, and from what I've heard she's been like that since you've got here. Her sarcasm disappeared and with it her attitude."

There was a pause but she continued "the problem with that is you've not seen her at her lowest" "I did, she started crying and hyperventilating and it was awful" I could see Veronica shaking her head a silent 'no' in my peripheral vision. "If she emoting she's not at her lowest. When she goes quiet and hardly speaks, reads like she'll die if she were to stop, when she loses her appetite. I know you may forget but Brittany is depressed, she's also suicidal with a history of self harm. Have you never noticed how she picks at her nail beds 'till they bleed?"

"Why are you telling me all this?" I could feel my eyes watering. All I wanted was for britt to be happy I hated hearing all the things I tried to forget, the things that in a way, made me feel guilty. I felt guilty because I was just 'letting' it happen. Even though I had no real control and couldn't 'fix' anything. I felt guilty for not feeling the same way, for enjoying being alive.

"Because you need to remember at you've also got to be there for her the way she is for you. Don't try and force anything on her and check in on her every once in a while.
Ask her how she's feeling stuff like that, the the bond an emotional one, that's what she needs. Someone who understands her or is at least someone who is  making an effort to understand her"

I nodded my head "okay" Veronica stood up and went to the door "why don't you paint something, take your mind off her not being here right now"

Narration:
What Santana didn't know was Veronica knew where Brittany was, who she was with, and how she'd act when she got back. She was trying to prepare Santana for Brittany after a visit from her parents. What Veronica didn't know what how different this visit was from the others. It wasn't Brittany's parents who came to visit it was Brittany's parent. Singular.

A/N: how did you guys like this chapter? Please vote and comment to let me know your option on the point of view switches.
-G