I Just Wanted To Feel Something [brittana]

[22]

Brittany's point of view:
"Hey I'm going to go shower then I'm yours for the night" I said walking into our room and seeing Santana sitting on her bed "you showered this morning" she said looking up from the book she was writing in. "A person can shower twice in a day" "but the waters freezing here" "well I think best in the shower"

And it's true I do think best in the shower, better In hot water then I do in cold water but cold is all I've got to work with. "Just stay and hangout with me, you can just think aloud and I can help you with whatever is on your mind" I knew what was coming but I thought I could at last get out the room before it started. Before Santana my room was my alone space but now all I've got is the fr easing water in the showers.
"San.. I can't." It was suddenly hard to speak, my voice was quiet. Every emotion I've ever felt suddenly came rushing back to me.

The numbness I had become accustomed to disappeared, the internal; emotional, pain was deafening. It was at dinner when I could feel my shell starting to crack, I knew I was going to cry, that I needed to cry. I just didn't know how long I had before it started.
Santana was speaking but I couldn't hear her words, the past few weeks have been the craziest of my life. I couldn't process everything that happened in the last however many weeks. I couldn't be in here anymore, I couldn't look at Santana. I could feel the breakdown coming, I hadn't had one in a while, I'd been able to push everything down for so long I was scared for what was about to come.

"I- I ne- need to shower" I stuttered out "you need to lay down, c'mere" I walked over to her and sat down. She pulled me into a hug and I rested my head on her shoulder, I turned my head and buried it in her neck. Trying my hardest to ground myself, to just hold on a little longer. 

"What's going on?" Her voice was soft, it was gentle. "I don't know, it just" I could barely finish the sentence, I moved from the hug and curled into a ball, trying my hardest to just hold on to postpone whatever was about to happen. It had been to long, I  had tried to be strong for too long the tiny thread that I was hanging on by snapped. it felt like my soul was breaking. I finally managed to get some words out "It hurts"

Santana's point of view:
I've seen her sad, I've seen her after a nightmare, saw what I thought was her most vulnerable. But this, this was almost unbearable to see. She was curled in a ball her head in my lap, she looked so frail like if I touched her she would break.
"It hurts" her voice wasn't so much breaking as much as it was already broken.

"What hurts?" She didn't answer just cried, it wasn't the soft crying she'd done before,  she was sobbing, hard and fast, barely breathing. I didn't know what to do, I didn't know what was happening "Brittany you're okay, I'm right here it's okay" I tried my best to console her but I suppose it was the wrong thing.

Brittany sat up and I hugged her, trying my best to comfort her. I'd never dealt with something like this so I had so idea what to do. "It won't be okay! You won't be here forever, and I'll be left to pick up the pieces. I promise myself I wouldn't feel this way again, I promised myself I wouldn't feel again. Then you came along and fucked it all up" She was screaming into my shoulder

"I hate this, I hate you. You make me so happy, and I know it'll all be taken away from me. You'll be taken away from me" "Brittany I'm- I'm not going anywhere. I promise you. And as for making you happy I'm glad, I want you to be happy. You deserve to be happy. Brittany you're so amazing and you're the best thing to come out of this whole thing. Meeting you is the best thing to have happened to me."

"No, Santana you don't understand."
"Then help me understand, please"

She pulled back from my shoulder and looked at me, she looked so broken I didn't know what to do. I lifted my hands up to wipe away her tears, we were silent for a minute.
"Santana..." She had calmed down by this point, her voice was quite and she seemed nervous. "Yeah?" I didn't know what was coming next, a million thoughts ran through my mind. "What happened today at dinner, it made me realize that, that I- I think I...." she didn't finish the sentence, she didn't need to.

"Me too."