𝙬𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙞 𝙖𝙢 [𝗻𝗼𝗮𝗵 𝘀𝗰𝗵𝗻𝗮𝗽𝗽] ✓

Forty Five

2 MONTHS LATER

Y/n Pov

Looking back on my recovery journey, I'm not proud. I'm still struggling and I can't say that I'm fully recovered. I still skip meals, I still work myself over on exercising. But, I'm trying. I'm actually trying. I got my weight up to 105. I feel disgusting, but it's good. Not the feeling, but the weight.

My heart rate and blood pressure and bone mass have come up. I'm healthy, physically, but not mentally.

"I love you." Noah says. He looks up at me on the pier. I have this strange urge to fall into the water, to let it consume me. To feel the peace of the waves. To be able to think in peace.

"I love you." I say and smile at him. He takes my hands and takes me around the shops on the pier. They're filled with so many little trinkets or touristy things. I see a necklace that sort of matches the ring Noah got me. The promise ring.

"I can't wait to make you my wife." He says and kisses me on the forehead.

"Imagine just having our own little apartment in the city. You could be a world famous actor and I could be a model?" I say and smile at the thought.

"A model?" Noah asks. I look down. It's been something I've thought about recently. Yeah, I love acting, but I have so many things attached to that that I don't know if I can really do it anymore. Modeling, on the other hand, sounds fun. Fashion based and able to express myself. But, it could, would, trigger my ed. 

"I don't know, just something I've thought about recently." I say and try to drop the subject, but I know Noah won't.

"No, tell me, all of it." He says and looks at me for an answer.

"It's just that acting has so many memories attached to it. Bad memories. Anorexia memories. Things that I want to forget about forever." I reply.

"So that's it, your just dropping me and acting?" He asks offensive.

"I never said anything about leaving you." I say seriously.

"But acting is who I am and it's who you are."

"Noah, this what i am, this is me. me, Noah! Me." I say and gesture to the bones.

"And I love you too much to let you do this to yourself. So yes, Y/n this is what you are, and this is what i am and this is what we are." He practically screams. All around us people looks at us, wondering why we're screaming.

"Noah, if you can't come to terms with my eating disorder and recovery, then we can't do this." I say and touch his arm, walking away.

"Y/n!" he yells and tries to stop me. Instead i shake his grip off. I need time alone. I don't even know what that was. We weren't mad, but we weren't happy either.

*****

The cool feeling of the ground greets me as I sit down. I take a deep breath and and slid down. I'm outside this little cafe. They keep it like -15 degrees in there so the walls are always cold. Tears stream down my face. I'm so done. I'm so done with my body, with my thoughts and actions. I just need to stop.

"Y/n?" I hear a familiar voice call out. 

"In here." I say and continue to let the tears fall. I'm a complete and utter mess right now.

"Hey, hey, don't cry. It's okay." Noah says and kneels down in front of me, putting his hands on my face and wiping away my tears. He brings my face to his and puts his chin on the top of my head and holds me. This is what I need, my own little therapy session.

"Tell me what's wrong." He says and I look at him as he pulls me up.

"All of it." He says. I take a deep breath and nod.

*****

"it's like i don't exist anymore. all day i'm so dragged down and i don't know what to do anymore. i just want the feeling of existence or of love or happiness. i just want to feel. i don't want to always want to be skinny or to die. i want to live again. i want another chance, but i don't know if i can get one. anorexia has consumed me, it's taken over my body and mind. it's grip is relentless and i'm just...lost. i don't know what to do. i just want someones help, someones love."

I sit back and let it all in. I feel the overwhelming pain and I feel the tears building up and the ache in the bottom of my stomach. The tears fall and I let the sobs out and the choked up feeling and I let everything that I've ever felt out. I let it spill into the air and I let it hang over us.

"And...I-I thought that maybe everything would get better, but...but it never did. And I cried and I-I cried until I didn't feel but it was never okay. I was never okay."

"Y/n..."

"And I wanted to die so much. I just wanted it to be all over." I say.

"Scream." Noah says and I understand. I understand that if I scream I can get some of it out. I nod and scream. I scream out for the pain and the loss and everything. I scream for Noah, for Livi, Alex, myself. I scream for everyone I've ever hurt. I scream.

The tears stop, the cold air surrounds me and I fall back and catch myself against the wall, sliding down. My arms wrap around my knees as I pull them up. Noah stand in front of me, speechless and staring, crying.

"I'm sorry." I whisper and see him fall next to me and he lays his head in my lap. I run my fingers through his hair and cry. I rub the tears away and feel myself falling into a deep sleep. My eyes close and that's it.

I sleep.

a/n -

okay, so as i said in my previous chapter, there will be a big time skip and THIS IS NOT IT. i love you all!!!!

<3 lilia