Maxerica

Every Moment up to Now

I've been laying in bed for what feels like days but has merely been hours.
I feel dazed, confused, like I'm lost in the world.
It doesn't make sense. Nothing makes sense.
I look around the frozen room. The whole castle seems silent, still, unlike its usual crazed self.
Maybe everyone's lost. Maybe it's not just me.
I look through the window. The sun is setting and soon this day will end. Soon there will be another day of confusion and silence. Will this cycle go on forever? Is this my life now?
The stillness and quiet is broken when Maxon gently opens the door and comes in.
I look from the ceiling to him.
He comes over and sits by me.
We both sit there in silence until Maxon speaks up. "The kids keep asking for you."
I don't reply.
"They're confused. They can tell something's wrong."
I just look at the wall.
"I'm doing my best to make them feel safe and hopefully they understand."
I tear up.
"It's ok America. It's going to work out. It's going to be fine."
He takes my hand when I don't reply again. I look at him as he gently kisses it.
"I love you America. I'm so lucky to call you my wife and the mother of my children. I wouldn't want it to be anyone but you. I am grateful for every moment up to now. I know we have hard times and good times. The ups and downs are all worth it when it's with you."
I watch him and feel my heart putter.
"I know you're hurting. You're allowed to. Take your time and feel better. I'll be with you whenever I can and whenever you need me. But I'm going to take care of the kids too ok? They need me too."
I nod.
He kisses my forehead. "I love you. I'll bring you a snack once I get the kids in bed. Try to rest."
I nod a bit.
He hesitates before letting go of my hand and leaving.
Rest?
How am I supposed to get that like this?

Maxon comes in after over an hour of me staring at the wall.
He has a plate with a cut up apple and caramel and peanut butter on the side. He also has a glass of water.
I take a deep breath.
He puts everything on my nightstand and kisses my forehead before getting in the shower.
I watch him come out shirtless when he's done, drying his hair with a towel. He puts it in our dirty clothes basket before sitting in his spot on the bed.
I watch him the whole time. This bright man that this dark world doesn't deserve. The man who keeps me going and happy.
He lays next to me and hugs me.
I hug him back, just wanting him to hold me close and let me forget about everything else.
"I love you," he says gently.
".....I love you too," I manage to say with a dry voice.
"I know we lost our baby, but we still have each other and our wonderful kids. As much as it hurts, she just wasn't meant to be with us."
At that I lose it.
I start sobbing uncontrollably and cling onto Maxon.
Why did this have to happen?
What did I do wrong?
Why couldn't I have taken the punishment over our little girl?
Why couldn't it have been me?