Pesy One Shots

"It's too hard, Jes."

A/N: Taylor Swift's Red (the song, not the album) is the mood for this chapter, just saying✨ Also, it's a little less happy than my one shots usually are, so if you're not in the mood for that, turn back now. I've left you this gorgeous gif as penance for what you're about to read.

Okay, here we go💥

------

November, 2017

     "It's too hard, Jes," I say, my voice unusually devoid of emotion. It's the only way I can keep from bursting into tears, and I need to be strong right now.

     "Pezza, c'mon," Jesy pleads. "It's always been hard. If we can just stick it out a couple more years-"

     "I can't handle 'a couple more years!'" I spit angrily. "It's. Too. Hard."

     "But I love you! I am in love with you. I've been in love with you since I was twenty-four. I'm not about to stop now, Perrie," she says with just as much fire.

     "I can't keep this all a secret anymore! I want to love you and be allowed to love you. I want to spend Christmas together and post snaps in bed and go on holiday with you! I don't want to hide anymore."

     "Let's not hide then," Jesy says, as if it's the easiest thing in the world.

     "We can't do that either, and you know it," I say, disregarding her comment just as nonchalantly as she spoke it.

     "Why not? Huh? Do you really think they're gonna kick us out of Little Mix, after all these years? We are Little Mix. You, me, Jade, and Leigh. They can't have it without one of us or, heaven forbid, two of us. Let's do it! Let's come out. I want to do this Perrie, I want you," Jes says, grabbing my hands and staring into my eyes so intensely that I feel it in my gut.

     "We can't," I try again. "We-"

     "Yes, we can. We-"

     "I can't!" I finally yell, shaking her hands off mine and bringing them up to cover my face. "I can't, Jes."

     She says nothing at first, not until I peek around my hands to look at her tear-stained face.

     "So are we done, then?" She asks, cold.

     It scares me, but it's better this way.

     "Yeah, we're done." I say, with a finality that comes out of nowhere.

     She nods and turns, and suddenly I want to take everything back, but I can't. This is the right thing to do. How things need to be.

---

November, 2018

     She's single again.

     I'm not, but when has that really mattered? I'll drop anyone for her, and she knows it. She jumps into my bed right after the split, and I intend to hold her there as long as possible.

     After our fourth go on that first night, when we decide we need a little rest, she asks me a question I don't expect.

     "Is it still too hard?" She asks into my neck, my fingers absentmindedly running through her currently red hair.

     "Is what still too hard?" I ask, though we both know I know exactly what she's talking about.

     "Loving me? Is it still more than you're willing to handle?" She asks, tone sharp.

     I don't answer. I just keep stroking her hair. 

---

     She's distant after that night, even while she's laying in my arms, and I hate it.