Returning Home.

Chapter 17

I can tell that it is the afternoon when I finally open my eyes. Feeling the familiar comfiness of my bed, I try and process the last few hours.

I don't even know how I ended up back in my bed. Everything was a blur after my mini breakdown at the car but as I lay there looking up at the ceiling, I can't shake the thought of how Xavier just let me fall apart.

I had never seen this side of him, but then there has been so many years of growing up that we have probably both done because as much as I try and hold onto the past history of Xavier the more he goes and surprises me to the point that I start to think that I need to look at him in a different light.

Realising that I probably should get up and get myself ready for when the boys get home. I roll myself to the edge of the bed and swivel around, realising that I am still in my clothes.

Taking a few deep breathes, I try and centre myself. My psych when I was discharging had told me about ways to try and clear your mind. My favourite is the one where I take a few deep breathes and just clear my mind to the point where she said that all I have to try and think of is a blackboard and then try to not write or draw anything on that board.

I always think about the whiteboards that we used to have at the school. They were always all over the walls of the classrooms as our teachers seemed to love using them so much. I always try to think of them but instead of making them blank, I try to remember all the notes or drawings that would be on those boards.

It takes some time but I start to feel my body relax and then I know that I am ready to face the rest of the world. Jumping up, I check myself in the mirror, I make my way out the door to the sounds of multiple voices chatting downstairs.

Standing in the doorway, I don't make a sound as I watch Xavier interacting with the boys around the kitchen bench. They look like they are trying to make sandwiches but I can see that the boys are spending more time eating the cut up ham then placing it on the bread.

"Xavier, what was it like growing up with my mummy?" Sebastien asks as he sits up on the stool.

Xavier chuckles and says "Your mum was the most kindest and smartest of all us. She used to always keep us out of trouble and she would never do anything wrong". The boys huddle closer to him at the island bench.

"I remember one time we were mucking around on my dad's bike when I thought I was being smart by trying to start it without taking it off the kickstand." Xavier continues.

"What's a kickstand?" Will asks while he sneaks a piece of ham from the plate. Xavier fakes as if he is shocked to hear someone say that.

Looking at Will he say "You know, the stand that keeps a bike standing up." I have to hold back a giggle when I see the boys both looking at him like they have no idea what he is talking about.

"You know when you stop riding your bike, you would put down the little stand that allows your bike to stay upright so that you don't have to hold onto it?" He continues but he must realise that they don't have a clue what he is talking about so he waves for them to follow him as he makes his way towards the garage.

Suddenly I remember that I had left the board and all the notebooks sitting open on the bench which makes me stumble away from my hiding spot but time seems to go in slow motion as Xavier opens the door and straight away I can tell by the movement in his shoulders and the holt in his step, that he has seen the board.

In my haste, I pull up just behind him as his head turns and looks at me. His eyes are wide and as he goes to say something, Sebastien says "Where are we going now Xavier?" He looks at the boys who are eagerly awaiting to see what Xavier had to show them.

I can see in his eyes that he wants to ask about what is going on with the boards but he breaks away from staring at me to go back to the task at hand. He shuffles the boys towards the roll up door and pulls up the chain.

I'm torn on what to do at this moment but I think that it is probably best that I move back into the kitchen and let myself have a few moments to catch my breath and think about what I am going to say to him.

With my hands on the island bench, I take ip where he left off with trying to make the sandwiches while I try and think about the best place to start to explain it all. I hadn't really gotten my own thoughts about showing or even talking to Xavier about all of this. I was still not even sure what I was going to be doing about all of this.

I feel the boys rush in and wrap their arms around me. "Mum, your up. Xavier said you were a little ill?" Sebastien asks as he looks at me.

"Yes mate, I was not feeling the best. I'm glad that you got home ok, did Carrie not hang around?" I asked, looking up at Xavier. I could see that he was not paying attention to us but looking back at the boards.

"How about you guys take these sandwiches and head into the lounge room and watch some tv?" I say and the boys don't even bat an eyelid as they take their plates and dash off.

Moving from the kitchen and into the garage, I can see that Xavier has noticed the notebooks on the bench and has started to flick a few open while looking back up at the boards.

Before I can say anything, he must have sensed my presence behind him because all he does is close the notebook that he has open in front of him and says without turning to face me.

"You better start explaining what all of this is about?"