What is Home

Chapter Forty

Grayson took the knife I had just shoved into his chest and left through the front door, slamming it behind him, causing me to jump under the hand that still laid on my shoulder.

"You two can talk in here. We will leave." I heard my father's voice speak with so much anger. I never thought this family could have any anger. It held so much pain behind it. I had ruined this family who were trying to build everything back up.

My parents filed out of the living room, walking past the foyer where both me and this man stood. I didn't want to move. I knew the anger that would flow out of him when we were alone. "Get in there." I heard demanding in my ear.

Without hesitation, I moved to the couch and sat avoiding eye contact with the person I shared the room with. His hand brushed my cheek and I tried to move away, but I needed that contact. I needed someone to think I wasn't a monster. He would never think I was a monster.

"Why are you being so cold Charlee? You have this huge full heart ready to love, and you're turning it to stone."

"Why did you tell Ally we slept together?" My eyes finally met his.

"This isn't about last night Charlee."

"Why don't you sleep with her?" His hands, which had somehow intertwined with mine, tightened as the question escaped me. "Answer the question Kingston." His eyes dropped trying not to focus on mine. "Answer it and I'll explain everything."

"Because she's not you. You already know this Charlee. This isn't new news. I sound really fucking pathetic."

"Sleep with her." I withheld all the pain from my voice. "You are with her, not me. We can't be a we, ever. We need to stop this." I pulled my hands from his with little force. "I don't ever want you again." The words pulled a noose around my throat taking all the air from me.

"You don't mean that." Tears stung his eyes. I could tell by the rapid shift of red forming in the whites of his eyes.

"I do." I let my voice of this morning rip through the wall Pierce had always held around him. "I think it's best you leave Pierce Kingston." I was fighting back tears myself, but I didn't let my facial expression change. I was good at holding back the tears. My father taught me well.

"Tell me why you're tearing everyone apart and I'll leave." He ran his fingers under his eyes, trying to stop the tears from falling down his cheeks.

"That's what's normal for me. Push everyone away by hurting them and then you have no one to disappoint." I tried to stand up but he forced me back down, resembling how my father used to do the same. "And then no one can disappoint me." His hands held my knees down. There was no way to escape. "You've already done it enough Pierce, can't you just leave me alone already."

"It wasn't my fucking choice to hurt you Charlee." His words spit like fire. "All I ever wanted is to fucking love you and I couldn't because I had to leave. I was just as heartbroken as you, if not more, because it was my fault." The emotion of sadness ran through his every word.

"Exactly. Your fault Pierce." All the training from my father went out the window as soon as one tear slid down my cheek.

"Don't cry." I broke him every time I cried. I shook my head wiping the tear from my cheek.

"I'm sad every day. I hate myself every day. I hate having to fake who I am around your friends. I'm not happy like them. This life isn't normal for me. You may be able to fake a smile and walk around happy but that's because you've learned to do that before you came here. As you said, you ran your school. I didn't. I-" My head dropped just wanting to give up on the conversation.

"You?" He put his finger under my chin and lifted my head.

"I was happy when it was just you and I. But with everyone else around I can't be happy, well truly happy. But relying on you isn't healthy Pierce. Because one day I'll be ripped away or you'll be ripped away and we won't have each other again. I can't go through that another time. You honestly have no idea what happened after you left."

"I know more than you think Charlee. I'd stop by the home. I'd try to see you. But any attempt to get you out of your room failed. I wasn't allowed to just walk to your room without your approval. But you wouldn't even talk to anyone to even attempt for me to get an approval, so I just stopped coming."

"You're lying." My eyes darted to his for the first time since the beginning of this conversation.

"I have no reason to lie to you Charlee. I broke you, I think more than your parents did and that kills me."

"We need to stop this." I motioned between the two of us. "I'm going to try and be happy with someone else." I ran my hand along the crutches on either side of me. "I want you to be happy with Ally. The pain of seeing you together will leave when I find someone who can treat me like you always have. I will always love you Pierce. Always. But we know what has to be done. I will work on myself and fix the mess I made here, but I need you to fix your mess too. You had everything perfect until I stepped back into your life. We need to step back from each other. Thank you for everything, for being my rock. But I need to fix my issues. I need to fix this family that I've just destroyed."

"Yeah bringing up Emery wasn't the best of things to do."

"I had no idea until," I sighed. "Reece blew a gasket. I wouldn't have said it if I knew. I would have kept my suicidal thoughts to myself. Which I've been trying to do but they just keep pushing. I can't be pushed. I explode when that happens. You know that."

"Explode or shut down. You'll learn how to work through those problems. You're smart Charlee. You've just got to open up to a professional instead of just me." Pierce's hand reached up to brushed hair out of my face. I leaned into his touch out of habit. One more time couldn't be that bad, could it?

"Did you?" My eyes bounced from focusing on random things to focusing on his eyes.

"When I started football here, yeah. My parents said if I wanted to play I had to go and I had to talk. Believe it or not." A laugh escaped his mouth with a smile following.

"You've told someone about your past but not me?" My heart sank and my eyes drifted away from his for the hundredth time during this conversation.

"Charlee." He forced me to look at him. "When I open up about my past, when I'm ready, you'll be the first person I tell." He kissed my forehead. "I'll promise to keep my distance, but not because I want to, because I know it's what we need to do. I love you Charlee Baker."

"I love you." I let the boy I love standup and leave the room. Everything about that boy had to be erased from my mind to let in room to love someone new. But I could never erase Pierce. I would just have to learn how to push him out of my mind. He was right. I needed professional help. He got it and he learned how to love without me. He learned how to be better, feel better, do better. After our talk I was ready to begin a journey that he was already on.