Red vs Blue (Male OC Insert) [Being heavily overhauled]

Season 1 Chapter 3: The Rookie

Ghost, Simmons and Grif at the red base. A soldier in red armor is walking up the ramp behind them

Simmons: Hey that's not exactly what happened.

Grif: Yes it is. You said "I'm not going to the Vegas Quadrant," and then the next thing I know you're in an escape pod headed for-

Soldier in Red Armor: Excuse me uh, sirs.

Simmons: Sirs?

Grif: Ah crap.

Ghost: It's the rookie...

Red Armor: I was told to report to Blood Gulch Outpost Number One and speak to whoever's in charge?

Grif: Sorry man, Sarge is at Command getting orders. Ain't nobody in charge today.

Simmons: Actually private, he left me in charge while he's gone.

Grif: You are such a kiss-ass.

Ghost: Also, Sarge doesn't trust you worth shit. He also told me I'm in charge... so go fuck yourself...

Simmons: ... Anyways... He told me if I had any trouble from you I should... (clears throat) "Git in the Warthog, 'nd crush yer head like a tomato-can."

Grif: That's the worst impression I've ever heard.

Ghost: I agree that was dog shit.

Simmons: Okay rookie, what's your story?

Red Armor: Private Donut reporting for duty, sir. I'm ready to fight some aliens.

Grif: Couple things here, rookie. First off, private Donut? I think somebody needs a new nickname. Secondly, what's with the armor color?

Ghost: I'm just gonna call him donut... Also you might wanna change your color.

Donut: Why, this is the standard issue red.

Grif: Yeah, I know. Listen. Only two kinds of people wear standard issue armor: officers and recruits. And since you're not threatening to gut me like a fish, you're probably not an officer.

Donut: Well, he's wearing red armor... and he's wearing black and red.

Simmons: No, my armor is maroon. Your armor is black and red.

Ghost: I'm a special case.

Donut: Well how do I get a different color armor?

Simmons: I bet the blues don't have to put up with this kind of crap.

Ghost: why are you all making such a big fucking deal about it anyway?

Church, Tucker, and a soldier in blue armor are looking at a tank

Soldier in Blue Armor: So I say to the guy, "how're you gonna get the tank down to the planet?" And he goes, "I'll just put it on the ship" and I go, "if you've got a ship that can carry a tank, why not just put guns on the ship and use it instead?"

Tucker: Hey kid.

Blue Armor: Yeah?

Tucker: You're ruining the moment. Shut up.

Blue Armor: Oh. Okay. You got it man!

Church: You know what? I could blow up the whole Goddamn world with this thing.

Back to the red base

Simmons: Okay, Private Donut, here's the deal.

Grif: I just refuse to call him Private Donut!

Ghost: Just call him Donut dumbass!

Simmons: We've got a very important mission for you. You think you can handle it?

Donut: Absolutely!

Simmons: We need you to go to the store, and get two quarts of Elbow Grease.

Grif: Yeah and um, pick up some Headlight Fluid for the Puma too.

Donut: The what?

Simmons: He means the Warthog.

Ghost: [Sigh] just give me some fucking shotgun shells.

Donut: Yes sir!

Grif: You do know where the store is, right rookie?

Donut: What? Yeah, yeah, of course I do. Sure, no problem.

Simmons: Well, get going then.

Donut starts running across the base

Grif: Other way.

Donut turns around and goes the other way

Donut: I knew that. Just, got turned around, that's all.

Grif and Simmons watch Donut running off into the Gulch

Simmons: How long do you think until he figures out there's no store?

Grif: I say, at least a week.

Ghost: I should kill you both for this...

Simmons & Grif: Don't hurt me.

Donut running through the Gulch, stops and turns to talk to himself

Donut: Elbow Grease, how stupid do they think I am? Once I get back to base with that Headlight Fluid and shotgun shells, I'm gonna talk to the Sergeant.

Back to the blue base

Tucker: You know what? Forget what I said before. We can definitely pick up chicks in this thing. Probably two or three chicks a piece.

Church: Oh man, listen to you. What're you gonna do with two chicks?

Tucker: Church, women are like Voltron. The more you can hook up, the better it gets.

Back to Ghost, Grif and Simmons at the red base

Simmons: You think that we were too mean to the kid?

Grif: Nah, he'll just wander around on the cliffs for a few hours. What's the worst that could happen?

Ghost: You know when people say that something bad happens.

Grif: Nothing will happen!

Donut is approaching the blue base

Donut: Finally, there it is. OH SWEET, THEY SELL TANKS!