Red vs Blue (Male OC Insert) [Being heavily overhauled]

Season 4 Episode 76: Two For One

Fade in to Doc walking up to Andy, Church and Caboose far from Blue Base

Tucker: (off in the distance) Oh God... I think it's coming back up. BLAHGH!

Doc: Okay everybody, I'm gonna give Tucker his physical now. Would either of you like to assist?

O'Malley: That's just a fancy way of saying "hold the vomit bucket," huhuhuhuheuw.

Church: Uh, sorry I'm busy.

Doc: Caboose?

Caboose: I can't.

Doc: Well why not?

Caboose: Oh, because uh, I am allergic to things that I don't want to do. (cough cough cough), coughing.

Doc: Ohokay, just more fun for me.

Cut to Sarge watching Doc depart to the base through the sniper rifle

Sarge: Well, you won't believe this, it looks like the Blues have teamed up with O'Malley. Those dirty backstabbers!

Grif: Our enemies teamed up with our enemy. How is that a backstab?

Sarge: Exactly! No good two-timers! Alright men, let's get in there and acquire that exploding translater thing so we can figure out what Lopez is saying.

Lopez: No mas va estar decepcionado.

Caption: You're just going to be disappointed.

Sarge: I agree Lopez, time is of the essence.

Lopez: ¿Por qué estás contestando si usted no sabe qué estoy diciendo?

Caption: Why do you bother replying if you don't know what I'm saying?

Sarge: Heh heh heh, good one amigo.

Lopez: Dios mío, por favor alguien mata me.

Caption: Oh God, someone please kill me.

Sarge: I see the bomb. He's right next to Caboose.

Grif: Which one is Caboose again? I get confused. Is he the stupid mean one, the stupid annoying one, or the stupid stupid one?

Simmons: Stupid stupid.

Grif: Oh yeah, right. What an idiot.

Simmons: Yeah totally.

Donut: Sarge, I hate to point out the obvious, but since we can see them with the sniper rifle, why dont' we just shoot 'em?

Sarge: Shame on you, Donut! A sniper rifle is a coward's weapon. When you kill yer enemy, you wanna look in his eyes so he knows you're the one who beat him to death! It also gives you the chance to deliver some really zippy one-liners. Like "I hope you brought your wallet, because the rent in Hell gets paid in advance!"

Grif: (sigh), oh my God.

Sarge: Or my personal favorite, "You've just got Sarged." Hhheh heh heh, classic.

Lopez: Lo significo, deseo morir.

Caption: I mean it, I want to die.

Sarge: Hand to hand combat is the old school way to kill your foes, it hearkens back to the honored traditions when combatants respected one another. Killing a man with your bare hands says: we're all equals as men. Except I'm slightly more equal 'cause I'm still alive and you're dead. Of course dropping a nuke on them from fifty thousand feet is also totally acceptable. I mean let's face it, there's just not enough time in this busy world to show everybody the courtesy of a good strangling.