Red vs Blue (Male OC Insert) [Being heavily overhauled]

Season 2 Episode 25: Last Words

The Warthog has Sarge pinned, and is firing toward his head. Doc is still impotently sitting in the jeep

Simmons: Okay, we gotta do something here guys.

Donut: You're right. I got dibs on Sarge's armor.

Ghost: say another word and I rip your throat out

The blue base, Tucker kneeling in front of Church, who still hears the beeping

Tucker: Okay Church, you ready, I'm gonna yank the wire.

Back to the Warthog and Sarge

Sarge:    Grif, if you see Lopez, tell him I forgive him. Tell him, he was like a son to me.

Grif: I thought Simmons was like a son to you?

Sarge:    No offense, Simmons. Lopez and I just, understood each other better.

Simmons: Understood... he refused to speak English.

Grif: Yeah, and he ran away the first chance he got.

Simmons: And now he's trying to kill you with a remote control jeep.

Ghost: You two do know that everything you just said is completely wrong...

Sarge:    Ahhhh, what a little rascal.

Ghost: Why does everyone ignore me?

Valkyrie & Ophelia: We don't ignore you.

Ghost: I know

Simmons: seriously who's talking.

Ghost: shut the fuck up Simmons.

The blues

Tucker: Alright, here goes nothin'. One... Two... Three! (pulls the wire, and the beeping stops)

Church: Oh God yes, finally! Some freakin' peace and quiet! I thought that was gonna drive me nuts! ...Hey. Why can't I move my legs?

The reds. The Warthog stops firing

Warthog: (shutting down) Signal lost.

Grif: Wow, that was a close one. Are you okay Sarge?

Sarge:    Ah, horse puckey, I'm fine. Although I do have to admit, maybe a little bit disappointed.

Simmons: It's okay sir. I know that you said a lot of things that you didn't mean. People say crazy stuff when they're faced with their own mortality.

Sarge:    It's not that. I just felt like I could have taken him.

Grif: Taken who, the machine gun?

Sarge:    Oh he was a worthy opponent to be sure, but right at the end there he was beginning to show signs of weakness. Cracks in the armor, if you will.

Grif: What? You can't fight a machine gun.

Donut: Yeah, Sarge. I know you're tough and all, but it is kinda hard to beat up hundreds of armor piercing bullets using only your face.

Sarge:    And yet, he surrendered.

Ghost: It didn't surrender it lost its signal, dumbass.

Grif: what did you say?

Ghost: nothing!

Doc: Guys, guys, it's okay, I've seen this before. Sarge just lived through a very traumatic ordeal. We all have ways of coping with the stress.

Grif: Oh yeah? How do you deal with it?

Doc: Oh I have my own system, that works pretty well for me. ...By the way, the driver side of the jeep is gonna need a thorough cleaning.

Back in blue... Can't blame me for trying

Church: This is great, this is just great. Thanks a lot Caboose. Now what'm I supposed to do: my lower half is damaged.

Caboose: Why don't you try walking it off?

Church: I can't use my legs, moron.

Caboose: Oh, I see. ...Have you tried running?

Tucker: This doesn't seem like that big a deal, you hardly ever used your legs before anyway. I've never heard of a grown man asking for so many piggy-back rides.

Church: Hey, I already told you: that was for science.

Caboose: Why don't you just try, walking on your hands? Then you could your feet for high fiiiiives, and ...eatin' sandwicheeeees... you know, the important stuff.

The reds

Simmons: Hey Doc, although I'm sure Sarge enjoys having his spine pulverised in to dust, maybe you should go ahead and back up the warthog.

Doc: Oh, right. Sorry. (drives the Warthog forward, against Sarge some more)

Sarge:    Oh, hot buttered lugnuts!

Doc: Oh, geez, I'm really sorry, I, I just was in the wrong gear, let me just... (rams Sarge again)

Sarge:    Yoh, geez, there goes mah last kidney. I was saving that one for a special occasion.

Doc: Third time's a charm?

Simmons: I don't think so, Poindexter. Outta the jeep now!

Doc: I'm really sorry guys. I was only trying to help.

Ghost & Simmons: Really.

Grif: Oh is that all? I for one was totally confused. I thought you were savagely trying to kill our Sargeant by ramming him over and over with a six thousand pound steel death machine. Now that we know that you're just trying to help, by all means, please continue.

Doc: ... ...really?

Ghost, Grif, and Simmons: Get out!

The blues. Tucker is kneeling in front of Church, working on his wires

Church: Well just start reattaching wires, I'll tell you when I feel something.

Tucker: What about that, do you feel that Church?

Church: No, what're you doing, I don't feel anything.

Caboose: Oh, Church? You know, I was thinkin'. ...Uh yih yih ya know, when you, when you eat ice cream too fast sometimes and it hurts your brain?

The reds are approaching the distance behind Church

Church: Hey Caboose? Yeah. Shut up.

Caboose: (seeing the reds) Uh.... Church? I think that you should know that the reds are-

Church: Dammit Caboose! In the short time I've known you, you've managed to call my girlfriend a slut, blow me up with a tank, shoot me in the head, and now paralyze me from the waist down! So I hope it's not too much for me to ask, just for once, if you'd shut yer freakin' mouth!

Simmons: Hey blues, we're here to- what the hell are you guys doing?