Red vs Blue (Male OC Insert) [Being heavily overhauled]

Season 3 Episode 49: Roaming Charges

Fade in to Church in the past

Church: Okay, think Church. The bomb went off, you got knocked out, you woke up, and you were here. Question is, where is here?

A wall raises, and Church moves past it to a computer

Computer: hello. you are early.

Church: Me?

Computer: you are not supposed to be here for another 1,856 years.

Church: What is this place?

Computer: this is the housing facility for the great weapon. i am the keeper of the great weapon. you are the great destroyer. you will demolish this facility, kill me, steal the great weapon, and bring about the great doom for billions of people. ... welcome! how may i be of assistance?

Church: What're you talking about?

Computer: your coming has been foretold by the great prophecy.

Church: Does your society have any other adjectives besides great?

Computer: the great prophecy warns the great destoyer will be a blue being.

Church: And you think that's me.

Computer: the blue being will be known as the stupidest life form in the universe.

Church: Wait a second, this destroyer guy. He dresses like me, but he's dumber than anyone else in existence.

Computer: correct.

Church: Oh crap.

Text screen: 1,856 years in the future

Cut to unarmed Caboose

Caboose: Mister Sargeant! Mister Sargeant! Come quick!

Sarge:    You'd better have a damn good reason for interrupting our search. Can't you see this is an extremely organized and highly motivated operation!

Text screen: 2 minutes before that

Cut to Grif and Simmons

Grif: Yeah I'm bored, I wanna stop doing whatever it is I'm pretending to be doing.

Sarge:    You're supposed to be helping me look for Lopez, meat sack. You said you saw him up here.

Grif: We saw his head.

Sarge:    Just the head?

Grif: Yeah, it was operating the right turret.

Sarge:    How was he pullin' the triggers?

Simmons: He's very determined.

Sarge:    You're sure it was Lopez.

Grif: Well, I heard screaming in Spanish, and bullets flying through the air, so either that was Lopez, or this is Mexican New Year.

Sarge:    Well where's his head now?

Simmons: I don't know, Tex shot it. Hey, Tex!

Tex: What?

Simmons: When you shot Lopez's head, where did it go?

Tex: How do I know?

Simmons: Are you sure you hit it?

Tex: ...

Simmons: I mean is it possible that you missed?

Tex: ...

Simmons: I mean just this one time, it doesn't say anything about your overall skill level.

Tex: ...

Simmons: Yeah, she says she doesn't know.