Red vs Blue (Male OC Insert) [Being heavily overhauled]

Season 1 Chapter 13: Human Peer Bonding

The blue base

Tucker: Let me get this straight... you're telling me that the guy that showed up here, scared the living shit out of us, shot at Caboose and beat the hell out of the reds wasn't a guy at all? That he was a chick? And on top of that, she was your ex-girlfriend?

Church: In a nutshell, yes. That's an excellent summary.

Caboose: I should have known... She didn't like me... Girls, never, like me.

Tucker: Caboose, I don't think anybody likes you.

Caboose: I like me...

Tucker: I don't think I've seen a girl that mean before. Are you sure she's a chick? And not a guy? Or like, part guy part shark?

Church: I'm pretty sure I'd know if Tex was a guy. And I'm definitely sure I would know if she was part shark.

Caboose: Way, oh, wait oh wait. If she's a girl, then why is she named Tex?

Church: Uh... because she's from Texas.

Caboose: ...

Church: Trust me, it makes sense. And you can't blame her for being so aggressive. It's not entirely her fault to begin with.

Tucker: Right. You should blame God. First he makes hangovers, and now, half women, half sharks that won't even sleep with me. Thanks for nothing, God!

Church: Will you shut up with that? She got recruited in to some kind of weird experimental program back during basic where, they infused her armor with this really aggressive A.I. I'm not really sure how it all works, but all I know is it made her meaner and tougher than hell.

Caboose: A.I... What's the A stand for?

Church: Artificial.

Caboose: ...What's the I-

Church: Intelligence.

Caboose: Ooohhhhhhhhh... What was the A again?

Church: Let's move on.

Tucker: So, the military put this program in her head, and that program made her a killer. But underneath it all she's really just a sweet, down-home girl?

Church: Oh hell no. She's always been a rotten bitch, it's just now she's a rotten bitch with cybernetic enhancements.

Tucker: Wow. Sounds like you really won the lottery with that one. Good catch there buddy, she's a keeper.

Church: So how're you doing, Caboose? Are you following any of this whatsoever?

Caboose: I think so... That guy Tex is really a robot, and you're his boyfriend. So that makes you... a gay robot.

Church: Yeah... that's right... I'm a gay robot.

Cut to Grif and Simmons holding Tex at gunpoint while Ghost is just looking at Tex from behind them

Grif: So, you're a girl, huh?

Tex: ...

Simmons: Just ignore him, that's what I do.

Grif: Not so tough now that we unloaded your weapon, are ya...

Tex: Hey punk, I don't need a weapon to kill you.

Grif: Yeah, right. What're you gonna do, punch me?

Tex leans in at Grif quickly, then leans back. Grif flinches and steps back

Grif: Aaah, not the face!

Tex continues to stare at Ghost

Ghost: Why do you have to be a pussy Grif?

Back to the blue base

Church: Well don't worry, because I have a great plan for how we're gonna rescue Tex.

Tucker: A plan? Oh, man, I hate plans. That means we're gonna have to do stuff. Can't we just have a strategy, or ...mission statement?

Church: I just need you guys to run a distraction, while I spring Tex.

Caboose: Distraction? Heh. That sounds a lot like "decoy."

Church: The way I see it, the reds have absolutely no idea how many freelancers we have out here. So all I need from the two of you, is to run around in the middle of the canyon, wearing black armor, while I sneak in the back of the base.

Tucker: Sounds good. But Church, where the hell are we gonna get two suits of black armor?

Church looks at the teleporter, then Tucker looks at the teleporter

Tucker: ...Oh fuckberries...