Red vs Blue (Male OC Insert) [Being heavily overhauled]

Season 1 Chapter 17: Points of Origin

Blue base

Tex: As far as I'm concerned, I'm square with you.

Caboose and Tucker simultaneously turn to face Church, like a tennis match or something

Church: I saved you from a life of imprisonment. How the hell are you square with me?

Caboose and Tucker simultaneously turn to Tex

Tex: Because I didn't kill you back at Sidewinder... and I'm still pissed off at you about taking me away from Ghost...

Caboose and Tucker simul... you get the idea

Church: What did you just say?

Tex: Nothing!

Church: You know, I don't really see how not killing somebody is the same thing as doing them a favor.

Tex: Well, if you don't appreciate it, I could just kill you right now.

Church: (before Caboose and Tucker can turn to him) No you can't, I'm already dead, bitch! I guess the joke's on you!

Caboose: Stop it! Stop fighting. Can't you see that you're tearing us apart? WHAT ABOUT US?

Tex: What about you?

Caboose: We helped you too. And what do we get? Nothing!

Tex: Well yeah, but...

Church: Yeah, but nothin'. He's got a point.

Tex: I did help them get the flag back.

Tucker: Yeah, but you were paid to do that. We rescued you as a favor. We could have just let you rot in the red army prison, it wouldn't have made any difference to us.

Tex: Fine, I'll stay here as long as it takes to help you guys win this thing. As soon as I have, I'm outta here. And I'm bringing Ghost with me. What do you need me to do?

Tucker: I have no idea. If you knew how to fix a tank, I would have you do that.

Tex: ...okay.

Caboose: Wait, you know how to fix Sheila? ...I love you.

Cut to the red base

Lopez: Entonces la décias "tu nos pesos más, yo peso más." Entonces pusieron los de nuestros cuerpos sobre la escala y fue determinado quién tenía el peso más grande. Después de eso me llamarían Lopez la Pesado.

Grif: Man. First he doesn't talk at all, and now we can't get him to shut up. What's he saying?

Simmons: What're you asking me for?

Grif: Well you know, because you're of uh, a Latino persuasion.

Simmons: Simmons isn't a Spanish name, you dumbass. I'm Dutch Irish.

Grif: But I thought-

Simmons: What.

Grif: Eh, never mind.

Donut: ...I'm from Iowa.

Grif and Simmons: Nobody cares!

Grif: Just translate what I say please!

Ghost: No and also go fuck yourself.

Cut to Tucker and Caboose sneaking up on ...Sheila

Church: Okay, take it easy guys, when I was over at the red base, I saw that they've already got their jeep fixed. So whatever you do, don't let 'em see us before we get Sheila back online.

Caboose: Okay, okay. Even if we get Sheila fixed, how are we going to turn her over, I mean it's not as if we could just lift!

In the background, Tex flips Sheila back over

Caboose: Oh. She is a very strong lady.

Church: I'm the one that's the least visible, so I'm gonna head up here to higher ground, I'll keep an eye on the red base. If I see anything, I'll let you know.

Caboose: Great, I'll come with you!

Church: That kinda defeats the purpose, Caboose.

Caboose: Okay. What if I'm really... (quieter) really... (whispering) quiet?

Church: Do you even understand what the term 'visibility' means?

Caboose: Ah hah hah, uhh.... good one Church.

Church: Seriously. You don't know what it means, do you.

Caboose: Uh no.

Church: Caboose, just stay here man, and try not to swallow your tongue or anything like that.

Tucker: Just watch the red base, and tell us if you see any movement.

Tucker runs up to Tex, welding on the tank

Tucker: So, I suppose if you're helping us, you're not as mean as I thought.

Tex: I wouldn't say I'm mean, I just get hired to do mean things.

Tucker: Yeah, but you like it.

Tex: Well I think it's important to enjoy what you do.

Tucker: So let's say I payed you to kill the black and red guy on the red's.

Tex: Then I rip out your Spine and beat you with it and then if you're still alive I bet you with your skull...

Tucker: P-p-please d-don't... W-What is I payed you to kill Caboose. You would still do it, right? Even though you're supposed to be helping us?

Tex: Is this a hypothetical discussion, or should we start talking numbers?

Tucker: Yeah, I don't wanna talk about this any more.

Church is up on the ledge where he got blown up

Church: Hey Tucker!

Tucker: What!?

Church: What the hell is my body still doing up here?

Tucker: That's part of being dead, Church. Your body doesn't really move around much any more. Maybe you haven't fully grasped the concept yet.

Church: Alright, well let me rephrase that then. Why in the hell haven't you buried my body yet?

Tucker: Buried? With what? All we have are pistols and rifles. What do you want me to do, shoot you a grave?

Church: Well then how about shipping me back home. You know, let the loved ones pay a little respect.

Tucker: Well Church, here's your girlfriend. Tex, as one of Church's loved ones, would you like to pay your respects?

Tex look up at the cliff

Tex: Go fuck yourself you stupid cunt, no one likes you and you can go kill yourself, oh wait your already dead, also you have no love ones so fuck off!

Tex turns around and starts working on the tank again

Tucker: That was a stirring eulogy. Rest in peace, good buddy!