Reason To Be (A Zouis Family AU)

Part Three, Chapter Five

Niall paces.

He remembers being little, maybe five years old, and watching Liam do this. Walk back and forth across the living room until Dad or Papa would come in and ask him what was wrong. He remembers wondering why they would think anything is wrong just because his oldest brother was walking around, but he gets it now.

It doesn't help, but it's better than sitting down.

He's just panicking, because he can't remember a thing from the party last weekend but he liked it. He really liked it.
He's used it again since.
And he knows that's a problem but he doesn't care.

He wants more.

Dad and Papa agreed to give him weekly pocket money, and that helps. He just - he doesn't know how he feels about taking the money they give to him and spending it on drugs.

He feels guilty. All the time.

The thing is, he hasn't spent any time with his brothers or his parents lately. He doesn't even know how it happened but somewhere along the line, he's distanced himself from them.

It only makes what he's been doing that little bit easier.
And god, he's dug himself a hole that he doesn't know how to get out of; but he just needs more, and he doesn't even know why. Just, without it, his head feels so much louder and suffocating, and he gets all low and thoughts that he's never had in his mind before are suddenly overflowing and -

He wishes he could backtrack to a few months ago, when he'd spent the whole summer going to the movies or just to the park with Luke and a few of their other friends. Everything had been so innocent and easy except...

Lies. They just spew from him with such ease that he sometimes scares himself.

It hadn't been easy. Every time he sits with Luke or speaks to him or even looks at him, he's reminded of the fact that there used to be three in their friendship group. Nothing ever feels fair when they're out having fun together because Danny isn't there.

And it's so dumb, because Danny hasn't been there for nearly five years now but lately his thoughts have been turning to him a lot and he's been remembering things when he's meant to be asleep that he wishes he could forget all over again.

He watched his best friend die at eight years old.

Stuff like that never goes away. Even when he stops hanging out with Luke completely and pushes his only proper friend and his entire family away.

And god, those memories only make him want to black out for hours on end so much more.

The drugs help.
Maybe at first they helped him get better grades and focus more.

Now they do the opposite.
They make him forget whole hours. He doesn't care. He doesn't care that his grades have slipped again or that he wakes up each night with his heart palpating and his skin soaked in cold sweats.

He just wants to forget.

(But that childish part of him - because he's only thirteen - wants his Dad and Papa to make it all better again like they always have).

He doesn't know how to cope without some foreign substance flowing through his veins anymore. He hates it.
But he also doesn't.

He's so mixed up and messed up and -

There's a knock in his door and he jumps, halting and turning to it as Harry steps in. He's glad they don't share a room anymore. He doesn't sleep until late and it wouldn't be fair to keep his big brother up that long.