Reason To Be (A Zouis Family AU)

Part Four, Chapter Four

Gracie babbles happily as Niall lies on his stomach opposite her in the middle of the living room carpet, hoisted up slightly by his elbows with his feet kicked up behind him. He can hear Liam in the kitchen with their parents and tries not to focus on the fact that Harry's meant to be here too - only he cancelled last minute.

His mind is causing havoc but somehow, playing with his niece helps. He laughs softly as she slaps a hand out against his face a few times, reaching for a stuffed unicorn and holding it out to her, making her giggle happily when he makes it pretend to kiss her.

Liam comes back in maybe thirty minutes later, by which point Niall is lying in his back with his head tilted backwards to watch the TV, Gracie propped up on his stomach against his bent knees, fast asleep. His brother smiles.

"I think you're the only person capable of tiring her out," he says with a shake of his head, looking exasperated. "Seriously, Ni, what's your secret?"

Niall smiles at that, sitting up when his oldest brother scoops Gracie up from him and gently lays her down in her car seat in the corner, lifting her blanket over her. "Maybe I'm just a natural. If you pay me, I'll come put her to bed every night," he teases with a smirk, earning a whack up the back of his head from the twenty-two year old.

"You say that like you think I have money...I don't, by the way. Do you even know how much nappies and baby toys cost? It's a lot. Too much," he says, and Niall rolls his eyes, jumping up from the ground and moving to sit beside his brother on the couch, leg bobbing almost frantically.

"Do you even know how much you complain? It's a lot. Too much," he quips in return, ducking when his oldest brother swipes a hand at the back of his head this time and poking him in the ribs instead. "Where's Em? She hasn't been around for ages, it's always just you and Gracie - which is cool, 'cause I love Gracie and you're alright too, I guess -"

Liam laughs. "She's got classes, Ni, she's getting her masters. You take something? I haven't seen you this...bubbly in a while," he says.

And Niall knows his brother means nothing by the statement, but his defences shoot up and he turns to look at the older boy with a frown. "No, I didn't take anything -"

Liam winces at that, quickly shaking his head. "Shit, Ni, that wasn't what I meant -"

"Whatever," he mumbles, crossing his arms over his chest and slouching back in his seat.

It's actually the opposite. He hasn't taken anything - including his ADHD meds. It isn't like he hasn't tried to tell his parents how bad they make him feel - like a shell of a person. They just don't take him seriously, always telling him that they help him focus and it's for the best that he stays on them, that he'll adjust eventually.

So he keeps them under his tongue and spits them when nobody's looking - and yeah, it feels like going all the way back to square one where everything is too loud for him to really think or feel much of anything, but it's better than being a zombie.

He feels like there's no in between, no middle ground, no balance. He isn't sure he's ever just going to feel okay; and that sucks. What sucks more is that the one person he would normally tell everything to is at university and has already cancelled on coming home this weekend as well as ignored more of his calls. He misses having Harry about. Things felt better when he could just knock on the other boys bedroom door and let everything off of his chest rather than keeping it all stuck in his head.

Liam sighs and rests an arm over his shoulders, jostling him slightly. "Don't be mad. I'll buy you sweets," he says teasingly, and Niall feels the corners of his lips twitch as he shoves his oldest brother away slightly.