Reason To Be (A Zouis Family AU)

Interlude Three, Chapter Three

Niall stares at the text on the phone in his hand, shaking slightly as he tries to take an even breath and not freak out. It's just a text. A single message off of a single person.

He's freaking out.
He can't really help it.

Jase
sup. got a tenners worth if you want it — been a while.

He isn't sure why the dealer has suddenly messaged him now, when it's been as long as it's been. Maybe business is a little slow for him because it's summer and he can't turn naive little high school kids into addicts. Maybe he's gotten desperate and is reaching out to old...consumers.

He tries to remember what he and Ashton have spoke about in a few of their sessions, about how the addiction isn't necessarily to the drugs but to the high that they gave him. And right now, when he's been feeling so low for the past few weeks, he really craves that high.

And that terrifies him. Because he's meant to be passed that. He's meant to be over it; he goes to a new school and he has different friends and he has Luke. He promised his parents and his brothers that he would never turn to drugs again and he hasn't broken his word. He never will.

Except it feels so tempting in the moment that it takes ahold of him. He wants to message back, tell Jase that he'll somehow find the money and get it to him. Because it's only one time, right?

Only he knows it won't stop there. It'll spiral out of control and he'll wind up right back where he started. Or dead. He doesn't know which sound worse to him in this moment, because his head is screaming that it needs a high, a lift, a little something to make things feel okay again.

Because the ADHD pills numb him, they turn him into someone he's never been before and he's afraid that this shell is who he truly is - stripped of his disorder, this is what he is. Hollow and empty. He's scared that this is all he'll ever be.

He sets the phone down on the bed beside him and tries to take an even breath, because somewhere along the line, his shoulders have started heaving right the way up with the difficulty of a single inhale. The fingers of his right hand slip into the sleeve of his left, nails digging into his wrist in an attempt to feel something, anything.

Then the door opens without a knock as if someone has sensed that he isn't exactly okay or close to it in the current moment. Papa pokes his head in with a smile. "Hey kiddo, dinner's gonna be - hey," he cuts himself off with the soft word, stepping into the room and closing the door behind him as his features grow concerned. "What's happened?"

Niall just shakes his head and focuses on his breathing, nails digging in a little harder and harder - until a gentle hand closes around his wrists and tugs his arms away from each other slightly.

"Don't - don't hurt yourself, sweetheart. Talk to me," Papa murmurs, kneeling on the floor in front of him now so that they're almost at eye-level.

He frowns at the words. He hadn't meant any harm to himself. Just feeling. "I didn't -" he cuts himself off with a heavy breath, turning his attention to his Papa's gentle hold on his forearms over the sleeve of Liam's old hoodie. The touch is careful and soft and it makes him feel safe. Secure. Protected.

"Harry mentioned that you two had a chat the other day, though he never went into detail about what you talked about. He did say he's worried about you," the man says, talking slowly as if he's selecting every word with caution. Niall sniffs again and looks up to meet his eye, hating that he's causing everyone to worry when they're all meant to be happy over Liam and Emily's baby.

"I'm sorry," he says softly, making Papa let out a sigh and start running his thumbs over his knuckles.

"You don't need to be sorry, honey. You just need to speak to me. Nothing good ever comes from keeping everything stuck inside," he says gently.