Reason To Be (A Zouis Family AU)

Interlude Four, Extra Two

A Lot of Love to Give
[the one where niall realises something about himself that has always made him feel different — set a few months after part four]

Niall has never been in a relationship. It isn't that he doesn't like the idea of being in one, it's just all the other stuff that being in a relationship entails; the stuff that goes beyond kisses and cuddles and holding hands. It doesn't appeal to him, with boys or with girls or with anybody. He thinks about sex and just feels...nothing. No want or need or whatever boys his age are meant to feel. He just isn't interested.

And he's tried telling himself that it's because he's only sixteen and maybe when he's a little older it'll happen, but he knows deep down that that isn't the case.

It worries him a lot. Maybe before it was something that got pushed to the back of his mind amidst everything else but now that he's been doing a little better and everything has been figuring itself out, it's been finding it's way to the forefront of his attention all over again.

He feels wrong. Or like there's something missing. Because he walks through the halls at school every day and he hears chunks of conversation about who hooked up with who at the party and he sees couples kissing and holding hands and — well, he would like someone to hold hands with and maybe kiss to an extent, but the whole going to parties and hooking up with people things? He just doesn't see the pull. Just hooking up in general feels weird for him to think about.

He mentions it to Ash in one of their sessions when his parents aren't there with him, and the man mentions that his medications could play a part in a lower sex drive than others his age, and he tries to blame it on that for a while but he knows that that isn't the case. He's felt like this for longer than he's been on medication and he just knows that he's probably going to feel like this forever.

It isn't that he doesn't find other people attractive either. He's had crushes before, but purely in an innocent sort of way — there had been Jess in his biology class that he'd thought was really pretty for a while until she turned out to be sort of mean and the crush just sort of went away. And then Nathan from English who he'd also found really pretty as well as really nice, only Nathan liked girls so that went away on its own too.

He just feels confused and messed up and it doesn't really help that he's having a bad mental health sort of day (as he's come to name it) to begin with when he calls Harry all stressed out on his lunch break at school, locked in a toilet cubicle.

His brother answers almost immediately, and Niall can hear the TV in the background, relieved that the older boy is at home and he's not disturbing him. "Hey Ni. Everything okay?" He asks immediately.

Niall pulls his feet up onto the toilet seat with him, wrapping one arm around them and using the other hand to press his phone to his ear. "I think there's something wrong with me," he breathes.

Harry instantly sounds concerned. "Is it a bad day? Do you need me to get Papa to come pick you up?" He asks quickly.

"No, it's not — I mean, I do feel bad but it's not just that. Haz, do you think it's weird that I've never, like, I've never had a boyfriend or a girlfriend ever?" He asks quietly, not wanting anyone else who might enter the bathroom to overhear him.

"What?" He can hear the confusion in his brothers voice as he absorbs the question. "I mean, most people have relationships through high school but not everybody. How come you're worrying over that? Did someone say something?" He presses.

Niall shakes his head, letting out a small breath. "No. I don't know. I just...I kinda like boys and girls and — I spoke to Ash about it, because it's — it's been on my mind for ages that I just don't...I don't feel like how everyone else seems to feel. About relationships and stuff," he stumbles over the words, huffing when he can't seem to get his thoughts out of his own head right.

Harry pauses for a moment. "Okay. You don't have to be in a relationship yet, Ni, not if you don't want to. There shouldn't ever be any sort of pressure on you if that isn't something you want -"

"But that's not what I mean," he cuts his brother off, then winces. "Sorry, I didn't mean — it's just more like, I am ready for a relationship and all that stuff, but it's the, you know, like the sex stuff that I don't want. But every other guy my age I know wants that part more than anything, and it makes me feel like, like an alien or something because I don't. I've never wanted it and I don't think I ever will," he explains, letting out a breath.

"Oh," Harry breathes, then hesitates. The TV goes silent and he guesses his brother has paused it. "So, you never get, thoughts about stuff like that?"

Niall frowns. "Thoughts?" He asks, then quickly pieces together what the older boy means, face heating up in embarrassment. "No. Uh, no. That's not normal is it? There's something wrong with -"

"No, Ni, there isn't," Harry says quickly. "I know someone at uni who feels the exact same. She told me a lot about it, pretty much the same as what you said only she doesn't want a relationship at all. Have you ever thought you might be asexual?" He asks.

He frowns at that, heart fluttering a little because if there's a word for it, that must mean he isn't the only person to ever feel like this, and that probably means that he isn't, in fact, an alien.

"That's...that's an actual thing? Like, it's not weird or anything like that?" He asks, hunting for further reassurance.

Harry breathes out a smile in his next words. "Well, I think you'll always be a bit weird, buddy, but...not because of this. Look into it, you don't — you don't even have to put a name to it if you don't want to, you're allowed to just feel how you feel without labels," his big brother says, and he smiles slightly at the words, feeling better already.

Once they've said goodbye, he stays sitting there on the toilet seat with his feet pulled up and researches the word. He winds up on wiki and he knows that probably isn't the most reliable place to look, but he finds his eyes glued to the words on the page because most of it applies to him and he feels a million times less alone. He knows Harry said he doesn't need to put a name to it but he thinks he wants to. It just gives him a sense of...belonging. Like maybe there are other people who will understand him and make him feel like less of an alien.

The bad day gets better as it wears on, and he finds that that's something that's becoming common. The bad days becomes bad hours and the good takes over.

Today, the bad day is taken over by the good.

He smiles to himself.
He isn't alone.

AN
another one.
i am not asexual so i struggled a little with this one, please call me out and correct me if i haven't portrayed it in the best way, i wanna be educated :)

more to come ;)