Chapter 32: Huang Renjun

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Renjun sobbed as he sat on the gravel concrete outside the hospital. 

It was cold and the sharp wind was stinging his arms as it cut past him. A couple of stray drops fell on his head and he could smell the beginning of rain. Petrichor. It was the word that described the smell of rain before and during its fall. He had done an art project on the word once, painting a fuzzy image of a dark grey forest scene and someone with their head lifted to the mixed together rainclouds. 

He licked one of the salty tears off of his face as it neared his mouth. He didn't bother to cover his crying face as he sat on the edge of the sidewalk. He kept his eyes to the grey clouds moving swiftly above the world and sobbed. 

He wished he could be grey. Balanced and emotionless. Not white with its purity and happiness. Not black with its dark and depressing mood that weighted down on his chest. But calm, neutral, cool. 

He wished he wasn't feeling the pain he was now. He felt the wind toss a couple of more drops onto his face and mix with his tears. The smell of pine trees and old cologne filled his nose. Arms wrapped tightly around his frame and Jeno brought Renjun's head into his chest, rubbing his arm. 

Renjun could hear Jeno's uneven breaths and occasional sniffles that mixed together with his own now quieting sobs. They sat and cried, the wind stinging both of their arms as the raindrop trickled onto them. Jeno was the one who broke the silence when the two of them had exhausted their tears. 

"I'm scared Renjun," Jeno's hoarse voice displayed his emotions out in the open. Raw pain and heartbreak. "I'm so scared Renjun and an evil part of me wants to leave and never come back. It doesn't want me to stay and watch Jaemin go through that much pain." Renjun curled his fingers around Jeno's shirt as he breathed in his calming scent, listening as the younger continued.

"I want to be selfish. I want to save myself from going on this painful journey but then I realize that Jaemin is going to go through ten times more pain than the two of us combined. He's the one that's going to suffer the most and maybe," Jeno took a breath, "maybe we can help to lessen the pain of the journey he has to take. We can stay by his side, to support and love him as much as we can."

"I don't want to lose him. I can't lose him. I can't go through the pain of sitting and watching him suffer Jeno." Renjun's voiced choked and Jeno continued to rub his back. "It's like losing part of myself. I don't think my heart could take it if he doesn't survive this."

Jeno hummed as he let Renjun get his feelings off of his chest. The rain started to pelt harder and Renjun could feel his flimsy t-shirt starting to stick to his body.

"He'll survive this Junnie, he's one of the strongest people I know. The other being you." Jeno lifted Renjun's head to look at him before Jeno leaned down to place an endearing kiss on Renjun's now wet forehead. They sat for another moment as the rain started to come down in sheets. Renjun couldn't even see three feet in front of him. 

"Renjun, he's probably confused and scared right now." Jeno had to raise his volume over the pouring rain. "We need to go to him."

Renjun nodded, an uneasy feeling settling in his gut as he stared out into the dark grey sky. He wanted to see Jaemin. He needed to apologize. How could he just run away from Jaemin like that? He felt Jeno slip out of his grasp and panicked for a second, his emotions heightened, before he felt Jeno's strong hands lift him to his feet. 

Jeno's hand firmly clasped around his own as they made their way back into the hospital, which would become more familiar to them in the coming months. Renjun looked at the foreboding and unwelcoming building, taking a deep breath as they walked back to Jaemin's room.

Renjun needed to be strong. 

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Guys, the piano version of Morning Has Broken by Emile Pandolfi started playing when I was writing Jeno's speech to Renjun and when I tell you I got so emotional :(

Thank you guys for supporting me so much, I really hope you guys are enjoying the story (as much as you can at least?)

Take care, I love you all! :)

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