ON HOLD The perks of being a Hafizah

Forgive and try to forget

بسم الله الرحمان الرحيم

Yahya's POV

Infinity.

That's what it felt like.

A space time continuum whirling into masses of dark matter-an expanding universe with no sense of depth or breadth.

Every star with its own shine fading into the interminable hole of darkness; one by one. And one more star peaking its way through from the depths of dark matter.

Every emotion, love and longing to be closer with one another develops a longer distance- the closer the more far apart it appears to be.

And moments of awkwardness, made it hard to look for a direction to find comfort in......

That is what it felt like watching Titanic.

And never do I wish to set my eyes upon the same movie again.

And by now, Zahra, half naked in her sleeveless top and shorts and Amatullah,with her abaya and hijab, had left.

And throughout this entire time, I had managed to let my eyes rest unto the TV box, creating a somewhat invisible barrier between the radius of Amatullah and I.

And it was hard. ..vey hard.

And Zahra didn't help the situation:

"Oh my gosh Yahya, look at Amatullah the poor soul is crying"
She began shaking my arm rigorously pulling my primitive beard towards the direction of Amatullah.

"Stop it Zahra" I pulled her arm away from my beard and focussed my eyes on the floor and faced Amatullah.

The room was pitch dark and no one was aware that I wasn't looking at her.

Zahra began to laugh and turned my head towards my direction.

"Aren't you gonna say something?" She nudged my arm.

What was I supposed to say? How on earth was I supposed to react?

"Stop being childish Zahra" I let it an unconscious sigh rather than a laugh to rest the situation.

I turned back towards the crying man (throughout watching the movie I still didn't know the guys name).

From that moment till the credits, no one spoke a word but deep inside our minds we were fighting a fiercely loud argument that was kept silent.

Before they left I had turned the light on and began to clear the room of the junk which both of them had the surprising common courtesy to help towards.

And as I began to pick up the rubbish silently both of them broke out in conversation about the movie. And at least twice we made eye contact; an icy look from Amatullah.

But as they left I threw myself into my bed and began to contemplate about everything.

*knock*

"Hello!" I shouted towards the door.

The door swung open and the face of Ummi appeared.

"Darling, aren't you going to sleep?" She looked around my room.

"Urm yeah yeah. Sorry, we were watching Titanic. As in me Zahra and Amatullah" I looked back up towards the ceiling.

"Oh okay. Your room is filthy Yahya, you need to hoover the rug tomorrow"

"Yep"

Ummi walked into my bedroom and sat next to me on the bed and stroked my hair.

"YA Habibi, something's wrong. Do you want to tell me?" She looked deep into my eyes that stared back blankly and in sadness.

"It's nothing......Ummi, I think I just upset someone and I don't think I realised I did" I held my mothers hand while she stroked my hair with the other.

I didn't realise I might have upset her and well....I felt bad.

"Typical Yahya. I think you should Go and say sorry to whoever it was and tell them that you didn't mean it." She raised her eyebrows at me.

"That's so childish ummi, I can't do that. What if they are not upset?"

"What if they are? It won't hurt" Ummi kissed my forehead and walked out of the room and took her place next to the door.

"Anatullah might be waiting" she gave a small smile.

"How......do you.." I was gobsmacked

"Your an open book Yahya. I can read you with my eyes closed" she smiled and exchanged Salam.

And right now I am outside Zahra's bedroom door.

Nervous and anxious, frightened and agitated, I knocked the door softly letting the noise pas through to the room.

"What" Zahra spoke.

"I'm sorry. Please forgive me" I said quietly.

It was a relief that I said sorry but deep within it felt a little embarrassing and that very feeling made me even more guilty of my poor imaan.

"Whatever" Zahra replied.

I wasn't satisfied with the reply and stood at the door longing to tell Amatullah myself.

I let my head rest into the door and took in the feeling of rejection and utter embarrassment.

I don't know how long it was until the door swung open as i jolted upwards. At the door was Amatullah; a scarf slipped on swung loosely around her head as well as a large blanket engulfing her body out of sight. Her face lit up and she projected a smile.

"I forgive you brother" I couldn't help but look at her and feel a sense of fulfilment.

"urm Jizakallahukhayrun...I."

"Yes I heard you outside the door and waited until Zahra went to the toilet to come and assure you of my response"

"Yes of course..."

"May Allah swt bless you brother" she began to close the door and exchanged Salams.

"wa iyyakum"

I turned back around and made my way back to my room.....

What had happened...I don't know. But for the night, all I could think of was what would happen in the morning.