ON HOLD The perks of being a Hafizah

My star and hers

بسم الله....

Previously.....

"I can't tell you" Rahim replied.

"Why the hell can't you tell me she is my sister also? What is this? Tell me, what are ya doin?" His voice began to dissolve in his heavy and irregular breaths. He held his hands together and began twisting them.

And he began to jerk spontaneously.

And every thing went in a flash.

Screams...

Injections...

Surgical theatre...

More injections....

And a night.....

A cold and sleepless night stained with blood, and sadness and tears.

I looked through my bedroom window and wondered whether anything was going to change, whether those stars that sat so comfortably in the distance hid a future of blissful heaven or eternal hell.
Whether those stars were a disposed beauty of heaven or balls of excruciating heat...a warning from hell.

And at that very moment, I fell asleep.

***********************************

بسم الله....
Yahya's POV

I pressed my thumb unto the traffic light and gazed along the road.

The only thing that was missing was a tumbleweed; the road lay empty beaten hard from the previous rush hour, and dips and cracks sat etched across the road where once had been a car.

I crossed the emptiness and took refuge beyond the pavements.
A short road it was to the masjid and as I reached the stairs, my legs began to shake, shake so vigorously that it was unbearable.
I took a seat on the feet of the masjid and looked down at my Quran.

Such struggle.
But it was all worth it.

"Yahya" Saim walked outside and took a seat next to me.

"Assalamualaykum Akhi" I Shook his hand and he patted my back assuringly.

"Wa alaykum salam wa rehamullah" he smild at me warmingly.

"Shall I help you brother?"

I looked down at my knees.

"It's okay brother" I smiled at him and held unto railings struggling to get up.

"Don't be silly" he took the Quran from my hands and held me up Into the masjid.

The pain was like a dagger as my muscles became weaker and weaker everyday.

I entered the Salah hall and collapsed unto the floor.

The Moulana looked straight across as my aching face that seemed incongruent to the calm and peaceful surroundings.

I looked down at my Quran and held it into my hands so that the bookmark was visible.

I knew all this, every word of it. Each word in sync with the next and so beautiful, the very idea that the entire content took heart in my mind was enough to make me understand how special I actually was.

That despite being diagnosed with Motor Neurone Disease (ALS) the night when I had fainted, despite having my sister Nabila in intensive care after attempting to commit suicide, I felt damned; as if my existence was a cursed one.

That I was worth all the trouble and grief on the world.

That I was astray.

Whether I was at that moment...I don't know.

But what I did know is that despite my early diagnosis of Motor neurone disease, it didn't affect my brain.

My ability to have hope and freedom, wishes and whims.

But despite being in a state, I knew I was loved.

The suffering brought me a smile that was priceless that I would never trade for.

I begun to embrace my suffering and embrace even more the love for Allah.

How merciful he was?

A tear slid out of my eyes...and when I say slid, that's precisely what I meant.

After all the suffering and grief, I built a container; tall and caliginous, towering and deep where I poured every tear.
And it was nearly full; and I feared the day it would burst, one day....but when?

The moulana walked towards me and held into my Quran.

"Yahya?" He looked at me sympathetically.

"Na'am (yes)" I looked back towards him as if I were obliged to reflect his emotion.

"Are you sure you want to read today?"

What do you mean?

"Of course! Why not?" You are not in the mode to concentrate and I fear that you shall make mistakes that will decrease your motivation"

"No, moulana!" I have a small smile.

"Moulana, my emotions are irrelevant to Hifz for me. I am in deep thought yes, but the only thing that frees me from the shackles of my mind maze, is the Quran. When I read it, I feel a light that shows me a path out of my worries and disturbances without it, I sit in this maze"

"May he free your mind yaha" he smiled at me warmly.

I began reciting my dhor which equates to chapter/juz/sipara 23/24/25.

And warm it was, and enlightens it was....

"Indeed Allah SWT is near"

**********************************************

I stood at her bedside table.

But it felt like I stood on a different Galaxy; that the distance that lay before us was far more longer than I could ever imagine.

Her mind sat on a distant star while I sat on the sun.

Similar yet so different.

I looked at her drowned face, so dark and sunken and her hair tired.

"YA Nabila" I stroked head sympathetically while my hand took an awkward position.

"Yahya, don't do that with your hand, your causing more strain Habibi" ZAHRA spoke softly.

I looked down at my hand; all looked normal except my smaller finger and my ring finger which I had no control of; they were frozen in an awkward shape but not too awkward that made it conspicuous.

The perks of ALS.

"I can't cause more damage than I have already Zahra" I looked at Nabila and continued stroking her head.

She walked towards me and and hugged me from the side.

"I'm sorry" she said quietly.

"it's not your fault" I smiled at her and hugged her back.

She began weeping in my arms, and like a boiling kettle she sounded so full of emotion as if at that very moment she let herself go.

"Look don't" I pulled her away and kissed her forehead.

"Everything is going to be okay" I whispered.

"In sha Allah"

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Assalam!

Hope you are all n the best of health in sha Allah!

I am ever so sorry for making it to be so good when in actual fact it wasn't quite good! Please do forgive me; I had been extremely busy with exams (please pray for my success and the success of the Ummah in sha Allah!)

Jizakallahukhayrun again for reading! May Allah Swt bless you!

Wassalam!