Eyes Closed

48 ; It's getting real

October 13, 2018

I started fiddling with my fingers in nervousness as Tzuyu carried me up to my room.

What happened in the car hours ago seemed like history is repeating itself. After something almost did happened to us in Hanbin's car, we decided to stay in my house and watch some movies and maybe even snuggle with each other. But not even far into the movie that we were comfortably watching in my living room, she started rubbing my thighs seductively, indicating that she wanted to continue what we had started earlier in her brother's car.

And now here I am, in her arms as she walked towards my room eagerly.

I know that I wanted this to happen earlier, but now all that was inside my brain is doubt. I admit that horniness clogged my brain earlier and that I wanted to give her everything of me in that moment, but right now? I'm just not so sure anymore.

Tzuyu then laid me on my bed gently and then straddling my waist as a smirk was plastered on her face. She leaned in to capture my lips and I let her, reciprocating half-heartedly. She then pulled away, looking at me in confusion.

"What's wrong?" She asked, tilting her head to the side.

"I.. I'm just nervous," I said.

"Don't lie to me," she said, shaking her head. "You wanted this, didn't you?"

I sighed to myself. "Earlier I did," I mumbled, averting my eyes away from her as her body still trapped me down the mattress.

"What's stopping you now?" She carefully asked.

"Just... I don't know,"

She sighed this time, getting off of me as she lay beside me, staring at the ceiling with a frown on her face. "I don't want to force you to do this. I just thought that you're really up for it, that you're ready,"

"It's just really hard for me,"

"Why?"

"Because... I'm inexperienced?" I told her, more of like asking myself. I mean, technically I am not lying. She will be my first time whether I like it or not, thanks to the contract I signed. But I guess I'm just the kind of person who's a hopeless romantic— someone who wants their first time to be special and very memorable.

I don't want to end up regretting my first time. Or that when I look back into it, my self will hate me.

"But earlier in the car you were so sure of this," she spoke as I faced the side of her head. "You even got mad at me because nothing happened... that I pulled away even before I can do things to you," she chuckled slightly, but sadness clearly coating her laugh.

"I guess my vagina has its own head," I giggled, making her face me as she laughed. "I was horny, I didn't know what I was thinking,"

"It's okay, it happens.." She said, smiling at me.

She then looked at my lips for a few seconds and then returning her gaze into my eyes. Having those love and sincerity in her eyes made me want to kiss her, it made me forget everything else that matters.

"What are you thinking?" She whispered, staring at my dark pools.

I licked my lips as I answered her. "That I really want to kiss you right now,"

"I'm not complaining," she chuckled, leaning in slowly but stopping once her lips were only a few centimeters away from mine. "Kiss me," she whispered.

I didn't hesitate to close the remaining distance, capturing her plump bottom lip as I nibble on it shamelessly and she did the same to my upper lip. My neck started getting uncomfortable so I pushed myself up, making sure to not disconnect our lips as I lay my body on top of hers.