Red vs Blue (Male OC Insert) [Being heavily overhauled]

Season 3 Episode 40: Visiting Old Friends

Ghost is standing in front of one of the teleporters in his janitor closet

Ghost: Whoever made these teleporters I should shoot him in the face. OK, if I connect these two wires together and reroute the power from here to there and then connect that and presto... Seriously if I find the person who made these teleporters...  I'm going to strangle them!

View through the teleporter to Sarge and Caboose shooting

Sarge:    Caboose, Caboose, keep them away from me! Get that one. And that one. No no, the one with the limp! Get 'im!

Ghost: Sarge, is that you?

Caboose: I don't want to kill... but... I don't want to die any more.

Ghost: Caboose, can you hear me!?

Caboose: Yes, I heard you Sargeant.

Sarge:    I didn't say anything, numbnuts.

View is solidly in Battle Creek

Sarge:    Caboose, we have to break this neverending cycle of attack and retaliation, either by A) convincing the two sides to live in peace, or B) by getting ourselves completely involved, and kicking some serious ass! I vote B.

Caboose: I have a plan Sargeant, but we will have to move quick. Listen: whisper whisper whisper Do you think that will work?

Sarge:    That's your plan? All you said was "whisper whisper whisper."

Caboose: I know. I just wanted to be the one with the plan for once.

Sarge:    Hgggh, come on. I have an idea.

Black screen: "meanwhile, somewhere else in the galaxy" Fades in to a hallway

Brown Soldier: This sucks man. I have to do everything around here. Go guard the wall, Phil. Go paint the jeep Phil. Go do everything Phil. This sucks.

White soldier drops behind Phil, and he turns around

Phil: What was that? (turns around) Nothin', just that stupid, sucky wind. Breaking a twig, coming up behind me and... breathing, real heavy. (turns around) What the?

White Soldier: Hello, mate. (thick English accent)

White Soldier punches Phil in the face, knocking him out. Fade in a random amount of time later, Phil on his knees at gunpoint

Phil: Oh man, this sucks, what's going on?

White Soldier: Right, here's the way this works. I ask you a question, you tell me an answer. One question, one answer. I don't get the answer I like, we've got a problem. And if we've got a problem, you've got a problem. That clear?

Phil: Okay, just don't hurt me! I'm a single parent.

White Soldier: Splendid, that's the attitude old chap. Now, first question. Where are you hiding the plans?

White Soldier's cell phone starts ringing

White Soldier: Mhm, ahem. Right. Where, are you hiding, th-... right. Need to get that, one second. (turns around and answers the phone) Hello? Yes, this is he speaking. ...Oh hello! Yes, right. Oh bugger. Spell that with a T or an F, do you? Thought you said something else. No, I'll get right on it.

Phil: Getting bored...

White Soldier: Right. Usual fee... He won't be a problem. No, I'll nip that one for you straight away. Right. Say hello to mum for me. Cheerio. (turns back around to Phil) Now, where were we. Ah yes. Looks like it's your lucky day, mate.

Phil: Oh, thank God!

White Soldier: Don't have time to torture you, so I'm just going to have to kill you.