Loving an Idol • Liu Yuxin and Kong Xueer FF

20

Snow's Point of view

I was left alone, surrounded by sets of elated people. I'm so confuse, bewildered by unforeseen events. How can such miracles happen in real life?

I went back home by the time the sun had set. I feel so drowsy that my footsteps were kinda wobbly. I called out Alexa's name as soon as I'd opened the front door.

"Where have you been Snow?!", she rushed towards me and had assisted me so I could walk steadily.

"At the park, I sat for hours so my feet really feels numb.", I smiled.

My heart also felt numb; from all the sudden confessions and second thoughts. I still don't know and I can't make any decisions now. I'm not sure; I'm afraid to fall — Fall for someone who's not willing to catch me. I'm completely terrified to lose myself in the process of love.

To be honest; I have never been in any relationships before. I'm frightened of all the possibilities that could shatter me from what I am today. The whole love idea was a terror for my existence. I think I have philophobia where I feared falling or being in love. I'm afraid of emotional attachments as it will lead into expectations that ends in disappointment.

"You hungry?", Alexa asked. She was holding a tray of foods which I assumed was our dinner.

"A bit", I'm not in the mood to talk or even move.

"I made your favorite chicken noodle soup, it will remind you of your Jung Hoseok.", I smiled and had remembered that I was on last song syndrome when Hobi's single track came out. I grab the bowl from the tray and proceeded to eat my chicken soup. It's flaming hot, delicious.

We're both on the living room, watching some movies. The dinner was great, Alexa did a good job; she really knows me well, even my comfort food for sad days have been on her priorities.

"How was your day Ms. President?", I asked.

"Exhausting... I had volunteered to finish the charity campaign today.", she rolled her eyes as she placed the empty bowl on the center table. "How about you Snow?"

"Marco likes me.", I muttered.

"Ohhhhhhhhhhhh! SO LUCKY!", am I really lucky?

"So what did you tell her? are you too dating already?", she asked excitedly as if she was some kind of a love enthusiast. "b-but wha-what about Xin?", she whispered.

"I---I don't really like Marco, I don't know. I like somebody else but it's not Xin okay.", it's the truth; my feelings were chaotic, even my own mind can't comprehend it.

"So who's this blessed person?", she grinned playfully as her eyebrows raised in keenness.

"I don't know, soon. I just don't know.", I mumbled.

"How can you not know, silly? Are you crazy or just in denial?", Alexa hysterically laughed and it felt embarrassing; like how could I not know my own thoughts? Do I have multiple personalities disorder?

I didn't respond, how can I answer her if I also didn't know the answer myself?

...

The feeling when I don't even know what the fuck I'm feeling?! — The more I think, the more confused I get.

"Alexaaaa, I'll be upstairs okay. I wanna rest, I'm tired.", I went upstairs and had removed the tie from my hair.

The window is open and I could clearly see how dark Yuxin's house; so unusual. The car wasn't even where it used to be.

I opened my phone and the sentiment of calling Xin or leaving a message had came to mind. No, no... why?
My heart was beating faster than ever as my fingertips were controlling the screen. Should I?

ofcourse no.

But I want to?

no

I really want to.

no

Fuck my ego.

• Hi!

my hands were trembling; it was the first time I had struggles to send a single message. I clicked the send button and it immediately delivered.

Now I was regretting my life decisions, GREAT.

I threw my phone on the carpet and tried my hardest to sleep.