Red vs Blue (Male OC Insert) [Being heavily overhauled]

Season 5 Episode 81: Sibling Arrivalries

Fade in to the ship from above, with a looong pause...

Vic's Voice Mail:    To hear these options in Spanish, press dos.

Church:    I hate you!

Vic's Voice Mail:    *beep*

Church:    Vic, it's Church, I need y-

Vic's Voice Mail:    I'm sorry, but this person's voice mailbox is full.

Church:    Uhchmmm I'm gonna kill myself. I'm gonna kill myself.

Doc:    Uh, what was all that about?

Church:    Doc, we are royally screwed. Half our team is down, and I think th-

Doc:    No it's not, look! Caboose is already back in action.

Cut to Caboose emerging from Blue Base in the distance

Caboose:    I'm okay! I'm okay!

Caboose collapses again, but this time in the warmth of the sun

Caboose:    I'm not okay!

Doc:    He's fine.

Church:    Like I was saying, half the team is down, and the half that's left, sucks. So all the Reds need to do is attack us, and we're dead.

Baby Alien:    Hnnk!

Church:    Oh right, and I have to kill this fucking thing.

Caboose:    Also I see a big ship. Now I know I'm hallucinating!

Church:    Oh I forgot that part! The Reds also have an enormous ship that was sent by their Command. Probably has a huge fucking weapon on it. Like a nuke, or a biological weapon that's gonna melt our skin, or a genetic weapon that's gonna make everyone in blue armour sterile... awesome.

Doc:    Hmm. Maybe this isn't the best time to remind you that technically I'm neutral in this conflict.

Church:    Doc, I don't think the situation could get much worse. I mean the ship is bad enough, but God knows what kind of reinforcements they have in that thing. Could be a whole new squad! Or a freelancer! Or-

Cut to the Reds mid-sentence, standing in front of a new person in yellow armour

Simmons:    Grif's sister?

Grif's Sister:    Yeah. Isn't that cool?

Sarge:    You know I always knew there was a genetic possibility that Grif would have blood relatives. But I always held on to the hope that he was the horrible by-product of an experiment on a turd manufacturing plant!

Grif:    Go home.

Grif's Sister:    What?

Grif:    Go home, right now. Get in your ship, uncrash it, and fly it home.

Grif's Sister:    Whatever. Make me.

Grif:    As much as I don't wanna spoil my reputation as a do-nothing slacker, I will not hesitate to beat you senseless and drop you in that ship myself.

Grif's Sister:    I thought you would be happy to see me.

Grif:    How did you even get here, we're in the future!

Simmons:    Hmm, I think I know how. Did you use your hyperdrive to get here, or just the light drive?

Grif's Sister:    Which one is the hippie drive? Is that the one with all the knobs or is it the other one with all the knobs?

Simmons:    Yeah, she probably came here just using the light drive. And as Einstein theorized, in his theory of relativity-

Grif:    English.