Invisible Line in Between

Chapter 20

#NewClassicILIB

Chapter 20
Rain

My mother ended her own life.

She committed suicide.

When help arrived, it was already too late. There was nothing they could do to help her breathe once again.

Like an explorer in the middle of the vast ocean, without its map and compass, I was feeling lost. My heart and mind were not working properly. They were both dysfunctional. It felt like my life lacked purpose and direction. It felt like my life had just ended, too.

My hands were shaking as I held the microphone. I gripped on it tightly. It was my turn to say my eulogy. It was the last night of her wake, after two nights since her death.

In our family, no one had the courage to say farewell to my mother. My brother still couldn't control himself. He was filled with pain and anger. I was thankful for Ate Allison because she was there for him. Somehow, she could still keep him in sane. Even if he couldn't control himself, she could control him. On the other hand, no one could talk to my father properly. He was lethargic. He stayed beside my mother all the time and barely took care of himself. Unexpectedly, I was the one who got the strength to stand in front of the mourners to speak in behalf of my family.

Biting my lower lip, I turned to my mother's casket. Tears blurred my eyes as I looked at her already resting. She looked at peace that I felt slightly guilty for grieving, when she was already in a better place.

"M-my mother..." My voice croaked as soon as I began to speak.

Inilayo ko sa akin nang bahagya ang mikropono para huminga nang malalim at kalmahin ang sarili kahit papaano. Some of my relatives told me that I didn't have to do this. They told me that I didn't have to force myself. But since I didn't have the chance to bid my farewell while she was still alive, I wanted to do it this time. I wanted to say it in front of her, at least.

"M-mom..." I stuttered, trying again.

Unlike other eulogies, I addressed my speech not for the mourners to listen to―it was for my mother.

"Y-you mean so much to me..."

I wasn't able to control my tears. It fell freely and rolled down my cheeks.

"You're the kind of mother who would do anything for her children. You would disregard your own feelings for me and Kuya Zedrick," I said, my voice somehow became more stable. "You gave me comfort and love. You supported me in everything that I do. You are an amazing woman. You are a mother that any child would want to have. You are everything to me."

Though I knew it would be useless, I still brought my hand to my face and wiped the tears away, even though tears wouldn't stop streaming down.

"I know how much you're suffering, and I hate myself for doing nothing to help you stay alive. I hate myself for letting you suffer on your own. I should've done something. But I only took your presence in my life for granted," I continued, feeling anger and regret. "Mom, you held on to the pain for a long time. You are so strong, and I admire you for that. Thank you for holding on for us, but I wish you could've hold on more―for me... For Kuya Zedrick... F-for us..."

Saglit na dumaan sa tingin ko si daddy. He wasn't looking at me. He kept his head down, but he remained seated beside my mother's casket.

Hindi ko na mapigilan ang sarili sa paghagulgol. Ngunit kahit na ganoon ay nagpatuloy pa rin ako.

"Mom, I don't know how to live without you... I-I don't know..." I cried more, feeling like I was at the verge of breaking down and passing out.

Naramdaman ko ang pagyakap ni Kuya Zedrick sa akin. I didn't notice that he already got up from his seat to come to me. His warmth comforted me, but it didn't stop the pain that I was feeling.