Invisible Line in Between

Chapter 30

#NewClassicILIB

Chapter 30
Blurry

Holding a basket of tulips and daffodils, which are my mother's favorite flowers, I calmly walked to the mausoleum where she was put to rest along with my grandparents. I also bought a fast-food takeaway in case I get hungry, since I'm planning to stay here with her until nightfall.

Using my spare key, I opened the locked door to enter the mausoleum. As soon as I laid my eyes on my mother's smiling face on her frame displayed inside, I felt my heart wrenched in pain and guilt. My eyes heated up.

Though I was doing fine on a daily basis, coming here made me realize that I still wasn't over her death. It still hurt because it's been only months since she died. But in all honesty, I don't think the pain would fade even if a thousand years pass. I would carry the pain of losing her with me until the end of my lifetime.

"Hi, mom..." I whispered my greeting to her as I carefully placed the basket down in front of her tomb. "Sorry po kung ngayon lang ako nakabisita sa inyo."

I was feeling guilty because I did not visit her for a long time since her funeral. I just did not have the confidence to do it as I was still emotionally unstable. Sa katotohanan nga ay nagdalawang-isip pa rin ako sa pagpunta ngayon. Pagdating kay mommy ay hindi ko pa rin ganoon kagamay ang nararamdaman ko. What pushed me to come here was the thought that I needed her guidance.

Pagkatapos kong ilapag ang supot ng pagkain sa gilid ay naupo ako at itinangala ang ulo sa litrato ni mommy. She looked so beautiful in the photo that my father chose. While looking at her, the more I longed to see that smile and feel her warmth again.

I wished she could be here with me right now. I felt like I really needed her to guide me and hep me handle this unexpectedly powerful feeling inside me.

My mother told me before that she wanted to see me fall in love. She expressed how much she dreamed to talk to her daughter about relationships. But even though she's not here physically, I will still talk to her about it. I will make her dream come true.

"Mom, I'm finally experiencing falling in love with someone," I told her as a start. "I'm sure you know him―it's Isaiah."

I licked my lips as I recalled her interesting stories to me about the members. Lalo na noong galing sila sa tour, minsan ay nakikipagvideocall pa sa akin si mommy para magkuwento dahil daw baka makalimutan niya.

"You told me before that he's really a kind gentleman," I continued. "I'm not sure if you'd approve of me loving him. I know it's crazy, but I really do love him, mom. I love him not just as his fan, but as your daughter."

Clenching my fist, I inhaled deeply. I had so many worries due to the fact that I had not experienced falling in love before. I wasn't sure if I was doing the right thing. It felt like I was walking on a tight rope―and if I happen to take the wrong step, it'd be the end of me.

"Pero, 'mmy, hindi ko rin kasi maintindihan ang sarili ko," pag-amin ko sa kanya. "I want to be assertive, but at the same time, I also want to just keep it to myself. Noong una ay naisip kong ayos lang na masaktan ulit. I was confident before that I could get over it. However, as my feelings for him got deeper, I became scared about getting hurt again. This time, I feel like pain is going to hit different."

Natatakot ako na baka kapag nawasak ulit ako ay hindi na ako mabubuo pang muli. The feelings that I have for Isaiah are too much. It's more than I expected. Hindi ko inaasahan na ganito pala ang magmahal. I didn't know if I was fortunate that I got to experience it or the opposite.

"Ikaw pala ang naririto."

Natigil ako sa pag-iisip at agad na nilingon ang medyo may katandaang lalaki na kapapasok lamang sa loob ng museleo. He was a stranger to me, so I got alerted a bit. I stood up from my seat, being wary of his presence.