Another Moment Passing by...

Chapter 30: Everyone Will Make Mistakes (And I Know I Have)

Everyone Will Make Mistakes (And I Know I Have)

*Haley’s P.O.V.*

 

It had been about twenty minutes after Harry had left the room, and I had been occupying myself by scrolling through Tumblr and Twitter while jamming out to TayTay songs. Well, aTaylor Swift song; I had Should’ve Said No playing on loop while I slapped myself mentally over and over. Well, slapping was an understatement. I’d say I was more accurately shooting myself. Even after I mentally killed myself. I had never had completely serious suicidal thoughts before, and I found myself wondering if hating myself, feeling like a worthless nuisance, a waste of space, and wanting to fall asleep and never wake up counted. No, what I really wanted was to be with Dani. I missed her like fucking hell, and the previously dormant  feelings were just brought to my attention while Harry was crying. It broke my heart and reminded me of all the days that was all he had done. I felt my face contort into an unattractive sobbing state, and I hugged my knees to my chest, burying my face in my knees as I began silently bawling. I bit my lip as my body shook, but it did little to quell the tremors. Life just wasn’t right. None of this was supposed to have happened. I just wanted to rewind.

But the thing is, I didn’t know where to rewind to. I didn’t exactly know where everything had gone wrong. I just knew that nothing had been right for a while. I could rewind to before I cheated on Niall, but I would still know Louis, meaning I would still be curious about the strange, indescribable feelings I had for him. I could rewind to before I met Niall and Louis, or anyone in the group besides Harry, Megan, Julia, Dani, and myself. I could’ve moved in with my grandma. Better yet, I could’ve stalled my parents a few moments, making sure the crash never happened. My parents could be alive, and everything would be perfectly normal. But even then, there would still be Chase. I would always end up loving him, no matter how far back I rewound.

I was so angry with myself. Why did I never make the right decisions? Why did I just give into whatever my body told me to do? Why could I never listen to my mind? Why couldn’t I ever do something right for once? Why was I such a tragic, disastrous fuck up? After all, that’s all I was. I was just a mess up, a typo in the story of all of my loved ones’ lives. I just screwed everything up. I should just be erased, scribbled out, backspaced, undone. I was coming undone. I should just leave. No one needed me, they’d be better off without me even. I gripped my hair, pulling despite the pain in my skull. I tugged so hard that multiple strand even came loose and fell out. Yet, that still wasn’t enough. I was so frustrated and upset and disappointed, I just needed to release the tension.

I stared at the sealed entrance to the bedroom, then glanced at the white bathroom door to my right, and back at the entrance of the room. I stifled my sobs and controlled my breathing long enough to decide that no one was out in the hall, or was at least going to bother me. A million thoughts were racing through my head, clouding my judgment and disabling me from thinking straight as I edged myself off of the bed and slowly crept toward the bathroom door. Each creak the floor gave out with every step I took made me cringe; I did not want to be heard. In that moment, I didn’t want to exist.

I opened up the door, shutting it softly behind me. The obnoxiously, dangerously loud click of the door locking combined with the shocking cold beneath my feet only made my skin prickled further. I allowed myself to resumed crying, the tears streaming down my warm cheeks and leaking from my shuddering lips into my slightly open mouth. They tasted salty and bitter, yet somehow tasteful. Others strayed off to the side of my face and dripped off of my jaw onto either my shirt, my feet, or the floor. My blubbers just seemed to echo in the cavernous wash room, almost as if they surrounded me. I was practically drowning in them as the mocked me, reminding me how weak and useless I was. I squeezed my eyes shut, letting moans of surrender out of my mouth as I slowly, delicately fell to my knees on the cold tile, almost in the fashion you would climb into bed with a fever. I opened my eyes, tears practically flying as I blinked the blurriness out of my vision. I acted on impulse, hearing nothing but the pounding in my ears and my self-loathing thoughts as I rummaged carefully, quietly through the drawers. I felt my stomach plummet as I found what I was looking for.