In My Head ❌

In My Head- Part 8

A/N: Hi guys, as promised this part is very emotional and it is still mature. This one involves Ant and Dec's thoughts as they follow the Ambulance to Hospital and then Simon's thoughts at the end as he learns of Stephen's condition. I'm not sure how good this one is but give it a read and see what you think. Thanks guys

Ant's POV
I cried out for Dec as I realized that Stephen was gone forever and I felt Dec pull me into his arms holding me tight. I could feel his fingers running through my hair in an effort to comfort me; oh decky I knew he had to be panicking just as much as I was and yet he put his own emotions aside and comforted me instead. Dec was truly one of the most kind hearted people I knew, I was so lucky to have him in my life; Dec was the best friend anyone could ever ask for. The way he looked after the ones he loved was so admirable, my heart ached and my tears came faster as I thought that if had been more like Dec and taken better care of Stevie then none of this would have happened.

I could feel my heart shattering inside my chest as reality continued to set in, Stephen was dead. He had died in my arms while I held him like a child and begged him not to; I had begged him not to leave us but in the end it hadn't worked. I had lost him, I had lost one of my closest friends and no amount of comforting from Dec would change that. I continued to sob into Dec's chest as guilt, grief and sadness overwhelmed me; I felt like the sobs ripping through my body would tear me apart as I cried for the man who had died in my arms.

I wanted it all to go away, I wanted someone to wake me up and tell me it had all been a horrible dream; that Stephen was alive and well. I could hear the paramedic speaking but I couldn't understand it over the sounds of my sobs, I was grateful I couldn't hear him; I didn't need him to say what my heart already knew. I couldn't face the reality anymore and I pushed my face deeper into Dec's shirt as I tried to block out the horrible heart crushing fact that Stephen was dead.

I felt Dec pulling me up and onto my feet, he said something I couldn't make out and so I just continued to hold onto him and sob my heart out. I felt him start dragging me along and I felt even more guilty as he struggled to keep us both upright, I was shaking from head to toe with the force of my sobs and I knew that if it wasn't for Dec holding me up I would have been on the floor. Dec was small but he was strong, I clung to Dec and let him drag me along as my sobs rendered my body useless. I felt myself being pulled into the lift and I cried harder as I realized that Dec was taking me away from Stephen; I didn't want to leave Stephen even if he was dead, but I trusted Dec. I allowed him to drag me along knowing that he was doing this for a good reason.

My mind was shouting out me, this was all my fault; I hadn't been there when Stephen needed me. One of my closest friends had been hurting so bad that he had felt the only way out was death; I should have realized. I was a horrible person and while I didn't cut Stephen's arm that didn't mean that it wasn't my fault; I had indirectly contributed to his death. If I had just talked to him sooner, if I had noticed what was happening, if i hadn't left this morning, if I had found him quicker; my head spun with the ifs.

I felt the lift stop and Dec started dragging me along again, I tried to help him and walk on my own but my body wouldn't cooperate. I heard someone gasp and it was then I realized what this must have looked like to an outsider; I was clinging to Dec unable to walk and my shirt was soaked with Stephen's blood. Stephen's name brought up the pain and guilt again and I wanted to just fall to the floor and cry, but Dec continued moving and I could now feel fresh air on my face. I realized we must be going outside, sure enough I felt sun hit my face and I could hear the clicking of cameras as I realized that the hotel was surrounded by paparazzi.

I felt anger push away some of the grief; vultures how dare they! One of my closest friends was dead and they were here snapping pictures for a story; how could anyone be so cruel and uncaring. The anger only lasted for a few minutes however because I felt Dec push me into his car; I cried out as he let go of me and shut the door. Why had Dec left me? I wanted Dec, I wanted Stephen, I wanted to go back in time and change all this. I curled myself against the seat, maybe I could make myself disappear; if I disappeared then maybe the pain would disappear as well.