In My Head ❌

In My Head- Part 10

A/N: Hi everyone this chapter is going to be another mature one. No offense is intended towards anyone who has mental health issues or has lost someone to suicide. The section included in this chapter about some of the things that a person who has lost soemone can experience are actual symptoms listed on several mental health websites. Anyway let's get right into it, hope you guys enjoy..and thank you for over 300 reads!

Ant's POV
I was tired so instead of going over to Dec's room I decided I would just rest here and then go over later. I came out of the shower and put on the Pajamas I had carried in with me earlier; normally I slept in my boxers but I knew the girls were in my room and I decided that it would be better if I covered myself for their sake. I knew they weren't planning on leaving anytime soon Amanda had told us that both she and Alesha had been ordered by the doctor and Simon to keep an eye on us.

I walked out of the room and saw that Alesha had left but that Amanda was sitting in a chair reading something, she looked up as I entered the room; "Are you going over to Dec's room?"
I shook my head I was too tired and Dec was probably already asleep, "No I just want to go to bed, besides Dec's probably asleep anyway." 

She nodded her head, "You might be right I'll go over and check in a few minutes. Do you mind if I leave the light on while I read this?"

I shook my head no again and sat down on the bed, I felt like crying but there were no tears left to cry; I had used them all up. I hung my head, I wished that I could just close my eyes and sleep and then when I woke up I would discover that this had all been some terrible dream. I sniffled a little as my mind started thinking about the events of the day, my heart hurt and I felt as if I would never smile again.

I had let Stephen die I had let Dec down again by letting him die, I remembered how Dec had tried to send me away without him. I felt hurt but I understood, I hadn't told Amanda that the real reason I hadn't gone over to Dec's room was because I knew he wouldn't want me too. His actions at the hospital had made it more than obvious he didn't want me around, and who could blame him?

First I had almost destroyed our career and turned our lives upside down and then after that I had killed Stephen. Stephen who had looked after Dec when I hadn't been able too, Stephen who we both thought of as a brother, I felt shame and guilt mixing together in my heart. I recalled all of the hateful posts I had read on twitter a couple of years ago 

Dec had reassured me at the time that none of it was true but now I realized that they had been right. I was a failure I failed at everything, I had failed at coping with my issues a couple years ago and had almost ruined both our lives, and then I had hurt Dec more times than I could count. I had actually encouraged him to split up our partnership but he hadn't; instead he had stayed by my side and helped me get better and then he had welcomed me back onto TV with him with open arms. Oh Decky, you should have told me to get lost you deserve better than me; if I hadn't been around then maybe Dec would have teamed up with Stephen.

Maybe if Dec hadn't been distracted with me then Stephen would still be alive, Dec would have looked out for him instead of looking out for me and then things wouldn't have gotten so bad. I sniffled again as I remembered that Dec had finally realized his mistake and that's why he had wanted me to go with the girls earlier, he was tired of dealing with me. He was tired of cleaning up the messes I made and looking after me all the time, this time I had made an even worse mess than last time. I had allowed Stephen to die and this time Dec couldn't fix it so now Dec was doing the smart thing and distancing himself from me before I hurt him again or destroyed his life for good.

I laid back on the bed as my mind continued to race, everything was all my fault; I knew something was wrong last night and what had I done? Gone out dinner and sent Stephen a text, a bloody text, I should have stayed and demanded he tell me what was wrong. And then after I sat holding him in my arms promising him that everything would be ok that I wouldn't leave, I had walked out of the room this morning and left him on his own.