Red vs Blue (Male OC Insert) [Being heavily overhauled]

Recreation Chapter 10: Lay of the Land

Fade in to Simmons and Donut

Simmons: Donut, where've you been?

Donut: Just seeing if the guys at Blue Base had anything valuable to move out. You know, before you burn it to the ground? Caboose asked me to housesit

Simmons: Did the have anything valuable?

Donut: Well I'm not gonna tell you. You'll just find it and burn it.

Simmons: Yeah, that's true. But tell me anyway.

Donut: Nah, there's not much over there. Just some spare parts from Caboose's 'build a new best friend' project. And it looks like he took that A.I. unit with him.

Simmons: So dumb. Wait, what? A.I. unit?

Donut: Yeah, it was kinda cool! It was purple, and it liked to hear old stories about-

Simmons: What? He kept that?! He wasn't supposed to keep that. I thought he turned it in. That was part of the deal for getting our bases. We had to turn over all equipment.

Donut: You're talking to me about things that really don't make any sense. I've been kinda gone. I don't know if you noticed.

Simmons: I'm gonna tell Sarge, and have him get it back from that idiot.

Radio sounds

Simmons: Sarge, come in, Sarge. Sarge, do you read?

Radio sounds give way to impotent static

Simmons: Houh, dammit. Hey Lopez!

Lopez: Si.

Caption: Si.

Simmons: Is the radio busted?

Lopez: Cómo será que nadie...

Caption: Busted Radio.

Lopez: ...quiere nunca hablar conmigo sobre todo lo demás?

Caption: How come no one ever wants to talk to me about anything else?

Simmons: The radio, no work? Call Sarge-o. Yes er no?

Lopez: Usted habla inglés que lo hago.

Caption: You speak english worse than I do.

Lopez: Sí. Radio. Bueno. Asno. Encima al suelo.

Caption: Yes. Radio. Good. Butt. Up yours.

Simmons: Then, how come, I can't, get, Sarge.

Lopez: Su radio se revienta. Piensa, Einsteino.

Caption: Maybe their radio is busted, Einstein.

Simmons: Can, you, fix, it?

Lopez: Puedo fijar su radio, de aquí?

Caption: Can I fix their radio, from here?

Lopez: Sí. Porque soy mágico.

Caption: Sure. Because I am magic.

Lopez: Soy robostesa mágica.

Caption: I am a magic robot.

Simmons: How come, in all these years of working with us, you haven't managed to learn one single word of English? Even that alien that follows Ghost knows how to speak english.

Lopez: No sé.

Caption: I don't know.

Lopez: Para evitar conversación tenga gusto de esto.

Caption: Probably trying to avoid conversations like this.

Desert Showdown

Jeff: Now I'm sure you've heard about the treaties between aliens and people. We're here to investigate an energy reading. Rules are now, if they find one of these things, all investigation teams have to have at least one person, and one alien. No exceptions.

Sarge: What kind of energy reading?

Jeff: I can't tell you that. In fact, I need you to leave this area ASAP. The alien diplomats will get mighty suspicious if they find another human squad showed up. We don't want to cause an intergalactic incident.

Ghost leans into Connie

Ghost: What's going on?

Connie: I don't know exactly, he never really told me.

Ghost: Is he the same guy from-

Connie: Yes, he is...

Ghost: Then I have a bad feeling about this.

Caboose: Ah, we're used to doing that.

Sarge: Hu hhuh, wuh, what my friend means is that we're uh, used to following protocol.

Jeff: Good! Then you guys just head on your way, and we don't need to report this to anybody.

Grif: Dude, we're not going anywhere. One of our jeeps is wrecked.

As if on cue, one of the jeeps blows up a little more in the background

Jeff: Damn! Okay. We'll help you repair your jeep, and then, you're gone. Couple of rules while you're here: This is a restricted dig site. Everything here is property of the military. Do not go looking for any artifacts. And do not go anywhere without telling me. Got it?

Grif: Yes Mom, we got it.

Jeff: Okay. Quick quiz then: What're you gonna do if you find an artifact?

Caboose: Not take it.

Jeff: No. That was a trick question. You're not going to find an artifact, because you're not going to be looking for an artifact.

Caboose: Maybe I knew it was a trick question, so I gave you a trick answer.

Jeff: There are no trick answers, there are only wrong answers. Are we clear?

Grif: Yes.

Jeff: ARE WE CLEAR?

Everyone: Yes!

Ghost: No...

Jeff: Okay. Then head down there. On the left you'll find some wrecked jeeps you can scavenge for parts. There's also water down there on the left too. Keep yourselves hydrated. You want some chow? It's with the water on the left.

Sarge: Thanks. And we'll be leaving as soon as we can.

Jeff: Yes, you will.

Our motley crew of rag-tag heroes walks off and Connie follows

Grif: Are you thinking what I'm thinking guys?

Sarge: Yeah. Something just doesn't seem right.

Caboose: I know. Everything is on the left.

Grif: Shut up Caboose.

South: I say we search the area when they aren't looking.

Ghost: I agree... they're up to something...

Back to Smith and 'Jeff'

Smith: Rrguu?

Caption: <Do you think they know?>

Jeff: No. I don't think they know anything. You get back to the temple. Keep working on getting it open. I'll take care of these idiots and Connie.

The camera pans back to reveal the actual military team, slain behind a rock, like assholes