I Know Places (COMPLETED)

Alex's Letter

Dear Shin, 

If you're reading this right now, it's either two things. I had the courage to tell you who I really am or I fucked up big time so now I'm dead. 

I bet it's the latter. 

I know how big of a coward I am so I know I wouldn't have the courage to show you this letter. 

Oh how I wish I could've spent more time with you.

Naalala mo ba nung grade 5 tayo, when you first had your period. Brigitte was absent that day, sobrang nag-panic ka and you didn't know what to do, you can't tell Blake kasi you felt like he would make fun of you, so sa'kin ka tumakbo. It made me happy, kahit na naglakad tayo sa hall na para bang natae ka ng dugo at pinagtawanan ako ng nurse for asking for a pad and extra pair of uniform, I'm happy that you trusted me more than you trusted your brother.

When we were preparing for your speech because you're graduating valedictorian, you were so mad because your parents couldn't go because it was not yet summer, you ran to me, asking for a couple of alcohols. It was the first time that we got drunk. I'm happy that we were each other's first drinking buddy. We were so drunk that we crammed your speech in the morning while dying, tapos sinesermonan pa tayo ng mga kuya mo.

I will miss waking up every four in the morning just to jog with you, it was a good exercise kahit na hirap na hirap ako bumangon every fucking morning.

I will miss you, Shin and I know, I am sure, you will miss me too.

This happening, this was never part of my plan. But I guess nothing ever happens according to my plan.

I planned on hurting you, hating you. I planned on making you suffer in the same way your parents made me suffer.

My family is one of the most respected families in the Black Mafia. We were one of the top five. And then one day, my parents never came home.

Next thing I know I was managing a mafia and was told that your parents killed my parents.

I was so ready to hurt you on the first time that we will meet, I was so ready to push you off a cliff to get back to your parents.

But you? You were crying because your parents couldn't make it to the parents orientation. Your tears were everywhere, you're drooling, you were a mess.

So I helped you up, I wiped your tears, maski sipon mo, pinunasan ko. I came there to hurt you, and to see you already hurt, it already felt like my job is done.

It felt like I don't need to do anything, because your parents, they already made you suffer, and they don't even care.

And that's when it hits me, hindi lang ako ang nawalan ng magulang sa ating dalawa, and it made me think that maybe you never really had one.

After thatI tried, to get away from you, I tried to tell myself that my plan will never work, that it's one thing to pity you, but wanting to protect you? It crosses the line.

So I did the opposite, I tried to stay by your side, kasi baka bukas, sa isang araw, or maybe even next year, I will be ready to get my revenge. To hurt you.

Funny, right? Revenge? On someone like you? I could never.

I'm sorry, Shin.

But may my parents also forgive me for falling for your smile.

It was so hard, you know? It killed me.

Loving you tortured me. Especially when he came into your life.

Seeing how happy he made you feel, I knew that I can never give you that. Because it's just me, Alex, your friend.

I'll never be Kris, the one who you'll fight for your life, the one who makes your gray sky suddenly so colorful with just one smile.

I'm sorry, for doing this to you. I'm sorry for lying to you about my past. I'm sorry I didn't make my intentions clear.

Just know that what I showed you all throughout these years was true. I was true to you.

I wished nothing but the best for you, because you're Shin, my sun.

You were the one thing I ever wished to destroy and I ended up protecting you, with all my might. With every bit of myself, and I'm not even sorry. I don't ever regret anything.

I'm proud that I got to be your best friend. I'm happy that you run to me, that you sometimes depend on me, I am very happy to be your Alex.

I hope you don't blame yourself for what's ever that's happened to me. None of this is your fault, okay? Repeat it with me.

None of this is your fault.

I had a blast with you, Shin. With every little talks, kwentuhan, tawanan, inuman, everything that we have done together, I always had the time of my life.

The only time that I regret was the time that I ever think of hurting you. You didn't deserve that. You have the biggest heart, kahit na pabida ka, kahit na you were always shining in your own way, you never fail to notice if one of us is drowning.

I knew you more than you knew yourself, and now I'm afraid no one's going to know you like I did. Because you'll never let them in like that, ever again. And I beg you, don't.

Don't shut yourself up. Don't drown. Don't die with me.

Don't stop on doing amazing things that helps you grow. Don't stop being the Shin I know.

Live, Shin.

Don't torture yourself for this, don't let your smile die, don't let my sun die.

Don't let your smile disappear, don't let the one thing that made my life fun, disappear, do it for me, please.

Be happy with everyone else, if I see you crying because of me, mumultuhin kita. Hihilahin ko 'yang paa mo tapos ibabalibag kita.

So don't cry for me. Okay maybe cry a little, for a week at saka sa libing ko, after no'n, stop crying.

I love you, Shin. Until we meet again.