Secrets that Kill (boyxboy)

Fall From Grace

"We are like angels with just one wing. We can only fly by embracing each other."

-Anon

One week. It would be one week tomorrow since he'd last seen Erik. But, Christ, didn't it feel like longer. He hadn't seen him at school at all. At first, Nate had contemplated the possibility that he'd transferred to a different math class, but he hadn't seen him in the cafeteria or at their, well, now Erik's, locker either.

Nate had moved his things out of Erik's locker the first day back from Thanksgiving Break, sharing lockers with Amber again. He'd checked Erik's locker every day, though, to see if his backpack or anything else that might indicate he'd come to school was there. And every day, his things had remained untouched. Which could only mean one thing: he hadn't come to school at all.

Erik couldn't carry on like this forever, avoiding him by not coming to school. At some point, he'd have to come back. And Nate was counting on that. Because every time he caught himself staring at Erik's empty seat in math class or stealing glances over at what had once been their locker, he felt his heart wrench, a sharp pain pulsing through his chest. He needed to see him. Even if it hurt, he needed to see Erik with his own eyes, to know that he could reach out and touch him and make sure he was alright. Because that's what all this had been for. For Erik, to keep him safe. And Nate needed to know that that's what he was doing, that all this shit was for something.

For now, at least, it seemed Zack had been appeased by his little break-up with Erik. Spilling the details to him through their little conversation over the phone had practically left the bastard giddy. He'd insisted they meet up, though, in the near future, no doubt to plan more of this shit.

Nate wasn't sure if he could take any more of whatever Zack had planned. He felt like he couldn't even bear this for much longer. He'd spent the last week wandering around in some sort of daze, like all this had to be a dream. He hadn't been able to sleep more than a couple of hours each night, and when he did, he spent it dreaming of Erik. Which was why he'd spent every spare moment trying to fall back to sleep. Except, the problem with that was, whenever he finally woke up, it hurt ten times worse than it had before, if that was even possible.

Maybe it was because it brought back so many memories every time he did, or maybe it was because everything was still so fresh and raw that the dreams just seemed to make the wounds deeper. Nate was willing to bet, though, that the real reason it hurt so much was because a part of him knew this was the closest he was ever going to get to being with Erik again. Which was a dose of reality he just couldn't handle, no matter how much he tried to tell himself this was all for the best.

Maybe he'd made a mistake. Maybe this had all been a mistake.

How could it be for the best if he wasn't with Erik? How could it be for the best if they weren't together?

He hoped to god this wasn't a mistake, that he was doing the right thing here, because if he wasn't, this would without a doubt be the greatest fuck up of his life. Hands down.

He hadn't really been eating much, their. He just wasn't hungry. Which made sense, in a way. Not knowing how the person you love is doing, or if they're even alright tends to be a bit of an appetite killer.

He'd tried asking Sean about Erik, but he'd gotten absolutely nowhere with that. The guy had acted like he wasn't even there, walking right past him. Yeah, Nate knew he deserved that, and much worse, but he could deal with the pain and the being ignored and shit if he knew Erik was alright. This not knowing, it was killing him. Really.

"C'mon Nate. You've got to get out of the house. Moping around about your breakup with Erik like you've been doing all week isn't helping things."

Nate was almost tempted to cuss Amber out as she pulled him up off his bed towards the door, except that would take too much effort. All he really wanted to do was go back to sleep. And dream. Maybe this time he'd be lucky enough to not have to wake up.