The Choice Of Us

Barely Holding On

TIANA

She walked around the shop, a carefree air swimming around her body in waves as she catered to each customers' needs, and I sat in the kitchen annoyed.

The fatigue was killing me.

It felt like I had an added weight pulling my limbs to the ground.

But I only brought this torture upon myself when I knew I had the power to escape it. . .

But now it was just too complicated.

For some time I began feeling only shame for knowing I had succumbed to my desire of him, allowed his tactics to overwhelm me and cloud my judgement. I felt guilty for paying more attention to him as opposed to my own brother.

Why had I let things go so far?

I kept asking myself that question and that dream has only been haunting me even more with each passing night and as a result I've been avoiding sleep altogether. Needless to say- its been taking a toll on me. My body felt heavier, more sluggish than usual. And I had been ignoring most people's calls as I slipped further into a dreary dark world that's settled comfortably inside my head.

If it hadn't been for the woman who gave me life, I would have been hidden under the covers fighting only to fall prey to the seductive sway of sleep's hips if she hadn't barged into my apartment.

I felt entangled in a tug of war between wanting to be with him and genuine guilt. I hate to admit it- but I felt like being with Luis, accepting him in my life was my way of turning my back on Tim.

"Stop doing that," my mother chided causing me to look at her as she came and leaned against the counter glaring at me. I shifted around uncomfortably in my seat gazing at the woman before me who never ceased to amaze me.

"I think I have a right to drown myself in my thoughts since you made me come here against my will, ma," I mumbled lowly recalling the way she threatened to drag me by my two front teeth.

She scoffed taking a few steps towards me only stopping a few inches in front of me due to the counter separating us. And amidst the emotions I saw playing behind her eyes, there was not one ounce of remorse it seemed for what she did.

"Was that your attempt to make me feel terrible?"

Maybe.

"Because if it was then just know that between the both of us," she gestured between our bodies," you should feel like shit for the way you've been acting."

"Bu--"

"But nothing! Now I have been patient," she snapped and the rise in her voice made me sink back in my seat. And for the first time in a long time I had nothing to say and snapped my mouth shut at her tone. She hardly raised her voice at anyone but when she did, the earth shook with every word that slipped out of her lips due to the unhinged rage.

"What happened with you and that boy?"

I didn't want to talk about it.

"Nothing," I replied keeping my eyes trained on the surface of the counter, finding the bowls more fascinating than to see the look on her face.

"I've tolerated a lot of things in this life, T," she said and not long after she said that her fingers were under my chin lifting up my head to find her looking at me," but lying isn't one of them. Now I know something happened because anytime he's around you do everything in your power to vacate the room. A stark contrast if you ask me compared to the other time you were both all cosy in the shop in front of everybody."

Why does everybody keep bringing that up?

The silence invaded the room and she eventually let go of my chin to release a shaky breath frowning.

"It's not a mother's wish to bury their child. . . ever," her voice came out softer and I looked at her perplexed to find a sadness painted across her face and without much thought I reached out to grab her hand. I didn't know what to say and with the noise around us fading away into this moment of the pain we both felt I chose not to say anything...

She moved back silently and tugged my hand, I stood up as well wondering what she was thinking before she turned to Janet who walked into the kitchen and said," Just close up the shop later on. I'm heading out."

Opening my mouth to ask she quickly cut me off before I had the chance to say anything and said," Come on."

***

The car came to a halt leading my heart to drop in my stomach at the sight of tombstones poking out of the ground telling tales of lives lost. Lives robbed by death whose figure is made in the fabric of malignance reminding us of the downside in this world.

Turning in my seat feeling my clammy hands shake, my mother leaned against her seat and gave me a blank look.

"Take me home," I whispered feeling the emotions clog up at the fact I wasn't in the frame of mind for this.

"No," she replied keeping her expression neutral and I nearly wanted to open the door and run.

Run away from this place knowing this was his resting place.

If it hadn't been for my mother's next set of words I'm sure I would have bolted from the car," If you keep avoiding it, the problem won't go away . . . it'll only grow in size. Manifest itself into your life poisoning anything good that is meant for you, love," she mumbled reaching out to wipe the tears I had no clue had fallen in the first place.

"I'm not ready."

"Yes you are."

"I feel ashamed to face him, ma. Ashamed t-to confess. . . I lost the one part of him that I still had and worse, I-I allowed one of them into my life," I felt my body shake in anguish. Felt the tempestuous emotions cause the internal battle to increase only to destroy everything in its path inside me. She rubbed my back gently pulling me in to soak in her warmth that worked wonders to calm me from falling off bicycles to dealing with broken hearts.

"Tim has never been one to be like that. Never been one to be incapable of understanding that one can't help what happens to them. Life will never align itself with our plans. And it's time you face the fact that you need to see him. How long will you keep allowing the past to stop you from being able to be happy and let's face it. . . get a good nights sleep," she mumbled lowly and each word hit me. The truth coming in full force at the fact I had to stop running away if not for anyone else. . .

But for me.

Swallowing hard I opened the door, each step towards the specific tombstone felt like I was walking closer towards my doom.

Please may I somehow find the strength to survive this. And in the end get closure