Normally, I write these out on google docs, prefect them, then send them your way. Today Im not. Im typing this out on my phone in the wattpad app. I need to be real, honest, and above all, from the heart.
Ive gotten so many comments on book 1 recently and I havent really had the time to respond to them, Im so sorry to those who have made comments and have read through the few chapters to here in the past week or two. I read them all, they bring up my mood. And I thank you all for the support.
Now you guys are probably upset. I havent updated in months, and the firt thing I give you is an authors note, what kind of bullshit, right? You're probably wondering if its the end.
And I want to come and say its not, but I honestly dont know.
My mom has left the house, yet again this year. Shes threatening to take the house from us even though my dad bought her digusting, meth addict ass a house 2 hours away from us where she wanted to move to her little fuck buddy. Just throwing her kids, life, and 21 year relationship away. It upsets me, angers, and I just- i dont know.
My brother was taken from the house on account of an abuse report against my dad.
And thats my fault, my dad was angry, and i have such bad impulse control that I audio recorded what happened, and sent it to a friend, who brought it to the police.
My dad had hit a table a few times with a belt and its mistaken as my brother being hit.
My dad has bad anger problems, but honestly the best he gets is really yelling. Even when the things he says is terrible, its true.
So Ive been dealing with all of that. And the fact that my dad is going to face my friend in court over the false reporting and hoping to throw her in prison where the cops are planning to throw him. Ive been so so fucking emotionally drained over the situation. Im torn, I dont know what to do, what side to sit on, where to be, i dont know anything. Im scared and Im tired and this hasnt been making my suicidal thoughts any better. But I hate pain, Ive tried to kill myself in the less painful ways, and its never worked. But because of my hate of pain,I wont attempt to hurt myself, so I just deal with these voices telling me about how itd all be better if I wasnt here, with no way to follow through with the plans my thoughts hand me.
My dad ignores that and says its an excuse because 'how could someone just have suicidal thoughts all the time and not follow through, thats a bullshit excuse and you know it.'
And on top of it, I have finally got a job. Its only part time, and Ive been tbere about a month, but its still stressful when I top the other things.
There's no motivation. I want to write, I want to escape, but I cant find it in me, the strength. All my ideas on how to carry on feel stupid, and it just doesnt flow in my head like it once did.
Im trying guys, I really really am... But maybe you guys should give up on me. Maybe one day Ill continue writing, and you guys will get a notification in a years time and be startled, or maybe you wont.
Im sorry, just give me time.
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