𝐆𝐑𝐀𝐂𝐄

[𝟐𝟑] 𝐋𝐚𝐮𝐧𝐝𝐫𝐲

There was a time I could semi-successfully say I didn't care about it anymore. That it didn't control me. Unfortunately, those days are gone. It's gotten so bad, I'm on medication just to get through a day without having a panic attack now. Everything was fine, really, I mean it. I was okay.

I don't know what but something happened that triggered a panic attack. At first, I was unsure of what was happening because it'd been so long since I had one. Over time, I learned that once you have one, you never forget the feeling. And that's got to be one of the scariest feelings. Being able to say you know the trembles quickly scurrying over your skin meant one was seconds away felt like hell.

In that hell all I could do was wait it out, wait for the mumbling to myself about it being okay to die down along with the thumping of my heart against my aching chest.

Honestly, it was only when Annie and Ray started commenting on my constant trembling when I realized it had become that serious of a problem. I have anxiety about having anxiety about relapsing. They say 65% of people with eating disorders also suffer from an anxiety disorder, so I guess I'm not alone, it's normal... ish. Even when I say it's relatively normal, nothing about my heart pumping out of my chest over a bowl of cereal not being drowned in fat-free milk is normal.

Eventually, I had to go to the doctor to get prescribed medication to regulate the attacks. On a good day, the only thing close to a panic attack coming on is my hands shaking from all the coffee I'd have. On a bad day... well, you'll see when I have a bad day, it's almost as ugly to describe as it is to witness and actually feel.

Aside from being mentally unstable, life's good. Speaking of life, ew because I have shit to do today that should be done on days when I don't wake up to a puppy's cry at my bedroom door. I have work, I need to do laundry, go grocery shopping, and I have a project with Tatum Gomez later. What time was she coming at again?

Oh! damn, I almost forgot. I have a class today too. Usually, I have math and natural science and then two GE classes but GE's got canceled today because some kids on the football team pulled some pretty bad pranks on most of the GE teachers. There are only three teachers left. And those teachers really aren't trying to get pranked too so those classes got canceled as well.

Which sucks. As much as I hated school last year, college isn't so bad, it feels a lot more flexible when I'm not studying my ass off. Which reminds me I have to study notes with Annie later. Ugh!

I swear I have short term memory loss because this shit is not normal.

I pull my dress on over my turtleneck, slipping on my boots and shoving bobby pins in my hair to keep it from falling in my face. I quickly do my makeup which consists of mascara and highlighter because I'm on my period and my face doesn't play around. It'll look like my face belongs in a pizza box if I wear makeup during shark week.