𝐆𝐑𝐀𝐂𝐄

[𝟑𝟎] 𝐋𝐢𝐥𝐲

I think they think I don't know they're watching me. Well, I may not know who exactly is staring at me but, whatever. What I do know is that Easton and Annie followed me here and that when I walked in I saw Ellie and Daniel in a booth.

I don't remember seeing Sam but if he isn't here yet, he will be eventually. I did see some random guy in a huge hoodie wave at me. I thought it was Sam but now I'm not so sure because of the way Daniel and Ellie are throwing the guy dirty looks and vigorously jabbing their head in my direction.

Anyway, like I was saying, Sam's everywhere.

It's a little scary sometimes how he'll randomly show up. But it's nice seeing him when that happens so I don't mind.

Speaking of Sam, I miss him. But he doesn't seem too adamant about getting to being friends. So maybe it's best we don't see each other. After all, I wouldn't want to send him the message that I'm better now.

God, I wish I was all better now.

Being better meant being with Sam. And I love him and I want him. But first, I need to want me.

It's tiring not being able to explain to friends and family that your relationships are no more just because you literally want to decapitate yourself most days. My family's never been understanding and they especially don't understand being mentally unstable. But, I guess, what can you do? Right?

I find myself staring at the door until I see a familiar figure reach for the door. Which is when I look away and become strangely interested in my nails.

"Ugh, biting your nails is so... ugh, just no. Get your fingers out of your mouth, Gracelyn."

Shut up, brain. Go fuck with my ability to breathe instead of me, I'm busy.

My "mother's" voice kept echoing in my head so instead of trying to ignore it, I pulled my hand away from my mouth and began chewing my lip instead. Which is also an extremely not okay habit but I'm out of things I can do to control my anxiety that doesn't make me think of mom's words.

"Grace?"

I look up to find a hesitant smile on a scarily mature looking face. Not as in old, but more like a face that looks like she's been through shit.

Her hair and eyes are the same. But her style is definitely different. She looks more girly than she did in high school; more like a woman. A woman that suddenly likes jewelry.

"Lily, hi!" I slide out of my chairs and go in for one of the most awkward hugs I've ever had. This is almost as bad as when I-

"Holy hell, you're gorgeous." She says, her hand over her mouth as she looks me up and down.

Stop looking at me

"Thank you, you too, your hair always looked nice when it was short but long hair really suits you. Especially when you don't straighten it. Your hair looks amazing."

She rolls her eyes. "Grace, stop, you're hair is literally up to the bottom of your ass- which is great by the way."

I laugh, taking a seat.

Why did I laugh like that? Oh god.

"You look so different, your figure is really different; curvier." She tells me, smiling like that's okay to say to someone like me.

Does she mean I look fatter since the last time she saw me?

No way, I've been in the same range of weight since recovery. I'm fine.

Obviously screaming at her that I had an eating disorder in high school didn't help teach her I'm a sensitive little bitch.

"Thank you," I smile tightly as she smiles back at me before gesturing towards the counter. I nod, a tight smile still set in place as I watch her order her drink.

Last week, we were studying body language in one of my classes and if I've been paying any attention in class, I'd say she's nervous. Scared, even.

It's been a few years since I last saw her. And maybe that means that she's changed a lot. Or maybe she hasn't. If she hasn't, then I find it odd how she seems to be so nervous and tense about this whole meeting with me thing.

It was her idea but for some reason, I feel like she doesn't really want to be here. I guess that makes both of us but it just sucks when you can actually see that that's the case. It hurts, even at times when it shouldn't.

Again, we haven't seen each other in years so I don't see why I care so much. Maybe it's highschool me peeking through and letting this feeling of regret course through me.

She sighs happily, sipping on her drink before her eyes meet mine. There's this familiar look in her eyes. But it's not a look that's familiar in the sense that I've seen it on her before. It's a look I've seen on... Sam. It's the way he always seems to look at me when it's just us. And even then he still holds the look she's giving me.

Oh, no. Please don't tell me-

"You know, I used to have the biggest crush on you." She bit down on her lip, avoiding my eyes and stirring her drink around with her straw. "I always thought that it was that guy you used to hang out with I liked but..."

Her eyes finally meet mine, and they glisten with a hopeful look. This honestly breaks my heart because no matter what she did, we still used to be friends, and knowing that whatever I say next could ruin things all over again feels... I don't know. It just wouldn't feel right.

So, I do the only thing I know how to do. Avoid it.

"So, you're into girls?" I ask. She nods proudly, smiling and continuing to mix the straw in her drink.

Lily's hand slides across the table and glides over mine, trapping it.

I smile sheepishly, looking down at my own drink and trying to think of a polite way to tell her I'm not into girls. Or at least nicely tell her I'm not comfortable with all this sudden physicalness.

You'd think that after not talking to someone for almost four years they'd at least give you a little space to breathe in their own bubble.

We stare at each other for what feels like forever while her thumb brushes over my knuckles. Over and over again.

Why can't I speak?

Say something. Do something. Don't lead her on, Grace

I wish I could listen to myself. But the thing is, I'm paralyzed. Or at least I feel like I am.